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Married Women Are Joining The War On Cargo Shorts

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Anti Cargos

It seems that the crusade against cargo shorts finally has new soldiers. Fraternity men, people who make over $60,000 a year, and anyone else with a semblance of sense are being joined by the wives of schmucks who think nine pockets are necessary to get by on a daily basis.

From Wall Street Journal:

Jen Anderson, a 45-year-old freelance writer in Brooklyn, N.Y., said she used to tease her husband gently about his fashion choices, until he made a purchase that crossed the line: denim cargo shorts. That was “just too far,” she said.

Through what Ms. Anderson described as “strong mocking,” she convinced him to return the shorts. She said she doesn’t like the idea of being seen in public with her husband when he’s wearing cargo shorts, which make him look like “a misshapen lump.”

“It’s a reflection on me, like ‘How did she let him out the door like that?’ ” she said.

GQ magazine last summer wrote that cargo shorts with slim pockets are acceptable, but not if “they look anything like the ones you picked up at the mall when you were trying to dress like a cool kid in middle school.” Nostalgia is one reason why many men cling to the shorts, style experts say.

“It’s quite difficult to let go of what was cool when you were younger,” said Gareth Hopkins, a 36-year-old illustrator in Essex, U.K.

Despite persistent comments from his wife whenever he wears cargo shorts, Mr. Hopkins said he’s past the point of worrying about whether his clothes are fashionable, especially with his two young children who are always stuffing his cargo shorts pockets. The pockets function for men like purses do for women, he said.

That last paragraph says it all. Cargos are for men that have given up on life and feel the need to have a purse. Big ups to ladies like Ms. Anderson who are using psychological warfare to wipe cargos off the face of the map. Strong mocking. It’s a TFM. Now that the wives are on the side of the righteous, it’s only a matter of time before people embrace proper shorts. Maybe Dopey McQuitter has lost his zest for life, but having his home life as miserable as his public one will result in new shorts eventually. No number of pockets can replace the chance at a little slap and tickle.

At this point, cargos have become so bad that even natural selection is against them. Sure, the aforementioned scrubs are currently married with children, but chances are they’ll be such wimps that their kids will do everything possible to not be like their fathers. As the disease is weaned out genetically, it will only be seen in certain mutations so unsightly that no female will possibly think mating is a good idea.

If anyone you know is still having misgivings after seeing their chance at sex fade away, be sure to show them this handy flowchart from the Washington Post. It tells you everything you need to know about when these menaces to society are acceptable.

Welcome to the good fight, ladies. Between your biological weapons and our disregard for wimps, this fight will be over much sooner. Let’s grab a drink later.

[via Wall Street Journal]

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Karl Karlson

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in Eastern NC where he spends his time roasting pigs and attempting to grow a beard. Karl enjoys drinking on elevated surfaces and rapping on podcasts.

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