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Mardi Gras Briefing: For the First Time Evangelical Activist

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Brothers and Sisters,

First let me congratulate you on your brave decision to help spread the word of the Lord among the sinners who will be running rampant throughout New Orleans for the coming week in “honor” of Mardi Gras. I want to wish you the best of luck, and I have Faith in each of your abilities to bring light where there was once darkness.

I would however like to offer a few words of caution for you first timers. The scene on and around Bourbon Street can be quite jarring to the unconditioned eye. I’d like to take this opportunity to give you a brief preview of some of the more repulsive sights you may well end up seeing, things you might not be expecting.

A Sea of Soulless Eyes

The inebriation level of those attending the Mardi Gras festivities cannot be understated. Most in attendance will have arrived drunk and plan to spend their day only furthering their sinful state. The point being that they will have long since abandoned any semblance of acceptable, polite behavior. You can spot the worst of these types from their blank, glassy eyes. As I’ve preached many times on Sunday, when one imbibes too much alcohol, their soul is momentarily expelled from their bodies. In place of where their soul USED to reside will instead be a tiny demon whose lone purpose is to make his vessel a violent, profane, ejaculator.

These glassy eyed servants of the devil will be exposing themselves and demanding that those around them, including servants of the Lord such as yourselves, to do the same.

I remember my first trip to Bourbon Street, a dead eyed sinner approached our group and demanded of former parishioner Mrs. Sanderson, rest her soul, “Take off yo blouse and flop yo titties on my chin.” This is the sort of language you can expect from the rabble. A harlot who accompanied the man requested that I and another young man “whip out” our privates as well, so that she could “go skiing.” She followed up by asking if she could “Lick my taint,” to which I replied that there was not a single taint on my body or soul (which is the truth I might add!). That little witticism sent her right on her way. In general though, be prepared for the masses to be indifferent to what is right and wrong. The only thing they will be interested in is intoxicating themselves, seeing skin, and penetrating you, whether it be with a knife or, well, you get the picture.

Worshiped Obesity

When the Pope and the devil invented Mardi Gras, or as translated into God’s language, “Fat Tuesday,” they did so to celebrate gluttony, among other deadly sins. This tradition is still alive and unwell, if you will (that story above has me in the mood for witticisms now, my apologies). One of the most heinous sights you will see in your time on Bourbon Street is the ritual worship of the obese. I experienced one such ceremony several years ago. As I rounded a corner I came upon a heavy man sitting up against a dumpster, eating a large plate of oysters, and being fellated by an inebriated female.

I was far from the first to discover the scene however. Standing around and observing the atrocious performance were dozens of other drunkards, all smiling and chanting. Many males were awestruck by the obese man’s actions and announced “that guy rules.” I never found out if the rest of the crowd declared the fat oyster man king of Mardi Gras as well. I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

State Sanctioned Rape

Beware of rape piles. They are exactly what they sound like, giant piles of dozens of people raping each other. If one gets too close they WILL be dragged in… and raped. These rape piles might start out small, but have the ability to grow exponentially. Why do I say they are state sanctioned? Because the state of Louisiana dictates that a police officer is only authorized to disperse a rape pile if it is too large for his horse to navigate. Thankfully I have never witnessed one of these in person, but I have heard horror stories, including one that told of a police horse actually failing to navigate a rape pile and being pulled in. As you can imagine the horse was viciously raped, and was eventually put down.

Wear Heavy Duty Shoes

Whatever footwear you choose will most likely be soiled for life. The streets and gutters will be flowing with seminal fluid, vomit, feces, urine, and the tears of virgins.

Now this letter wasn’t written to scare anyone, I know you all will do a great job. Just remember that devil will be lurking around every corner, there is a constant threat of rape, and everyone will be as high as Heaven but well on their way to hell. Good luck spreading the word of the Lord.

God Bless,

Pastor Thomas Benjamin

P.S. If you run across any voodoo witch doctors and have the means to capture them (special blessed netting will be provided), feel free to burn them at the stake.

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