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Man Throws Kittens Out of Speeding Vehicle in Small Wisconsin Town

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It started just like any other Wisconsin Saturday morning: brisk, depressing, and with the pungent overtones of processed cheese wafting through the air. Little did the quaint residents of Neenah, WI, know that their little town would soon host a kitten tossing rampage.

While an average horrible person would simply release their unwanted kittens into the unforgiving wild to be mauled by eagles and coyotes, or perhaps feed them to their German Shepherd, the driver of an unidentified white Jeep reportedly decided to toss two infant kittens out of his window as he sped through the humble town.

One of the kittens ended up tumbling its fragile body into a storm drain (which I’m sure was actually pretty funny to see). Police reported 45-minutes later and fished the mewing victim out with a net.

The second kitten, after the unexpected flight, somehow made its way under the hood of a nearby parked car. Despite natural selection’s best efforts to weed out this clearly retarded animal, the kitten was found before the vehicle could annihilate it in its motor-oiled microwave of a hiding spot.

The kitten tosser escaped and is presumably now on PETA’s Most Wanted list and fearing for his life. Make no mistake, PETA has offed a motherfucker for less than a kitten toss.

In a time of such feline tragedy, one must wonder what could inspire such a hysterical, but horrific act. Is he a sick and twisted individual in stage one of however many stages it takes to become a hooker chopping serial killer? Was he just a dog person? Maybe he really hates internet memes. With the suspect still at large, we are left only to wonder until he decides to once again hurl kittens from his speeding vehicle and into the big bad world Wisconsin countryside.

Both kittens are recovering at the Neenah Animal Shelter, with minor injuries, because everyone knows a cat is going to land on its feet. When asked for comment, the kittens only reply was “I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER?”

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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