This one is a classic.
Police arrived to the scene at the plaza on Southwest Port St. Lucie Boulevard in Port St. Lucie, Florida after a woman called to report a man violently pumping his hand at his nether regions while sitting in his car. At the onset, it was just a classic public masturbation case leading to a public lewdness arrest. Standard procedure. He was “making an up and down motion in the area of his crotch,” the 34-year-old woman said. Closed case.
In a surprising twist, it turned out the man had one hellacious case of scrotum rash.
Police spoke to the man, also 34, who explained “he got the urge to scratch his testicles,” a report states. “He raised his right short leg up and began to scratch himself because of a rash … on his testicles,” a report states.
He noticed the woman looking at him and stopped. He asked whether he could show police the rash to prove he wasn’t engaged in anything else.
He then did what any decent man looking to avoid a public lewdness arrest would do: he pulled out his balls and showed them to the officer.
He “presented” his testicles to an officer, who verified the rash. Police determined the man, who has no criminal history, did not expose himself and found no proof that he was performing lewd acts in public.
Ballsy move, sir. And a great one.
I urge you not to seek a take-home lesson from this story. If you are about to face criminal charges for committing an unlawful act, do not re-commit said act that got you in hot water to begin with. Don’t chug beers in front of the officer who is writing you a public intox ticket, and don’t attempt to squeeze out a turd on the street after an officer approaches you for a public urination violation.
The ball scratcher was simply the beneficiary of a very rare circumstance.