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Gerard Streator, a Wisconsin resident, was recently arrested for publicly having sex with a couch. You read that right, not on a couch, with a couch. Brings a whole new meaning to the term “love seat” (Har har.) An off-duty police officer caught Streator in the act during his evening jog. The officer approached Streator expecting to see him thrusting on top of a woman (or a man), but instead found that he was inserting himself between two couch cushions.
Object Sexuality, as it’s called, is argued, by some, to be a sexual orientation just like heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, etc. Since 2008, there have been several cases of people engaging in sexual acts with inanimate objects. One Ohio man was filmed having sex with a picnic table, using the umbrella hole as a point of insertion (picnic porn, FUN), another man in Hong Kong “was so filled with unquenchable desire for a metal park bench that he began fornicating with it,” and a woman in Sweden had sex with the bones of a human skeleton just last year.
I have no problems with whatever anyone wants to do behind closed doors. I’m pretty confident in the fact that a lot of people are into really weird shit, and you know what? That’s fine. To each their own, but I take issue with this, a little bit because they were doing it in public, but mostly because none of these people are actually having sex. You’re not having sexual relations with whatever objects tickle your fancy (literally). YOU. ARE. MASTURBATING. You have a fetish, not an orientation. Don’t call yourself an object-sexual, writing off the entire human population, just because you can get yourself off better than another person can. Ask any woman who owns a vibrator, or any man who’s ever gotten a hand job, they will all agree with you, and none of those people believe they were having sex with an object or with their body part.
I’m more disappointed in the movement than the individual incidences. Public sex is bad. Exciting, probably, but bad. At least you look like a badass if you get caught. Public masturbation is just pathetic, which is why they feel the need to classify it as something else. Do your own thing, on your own time, and you won’t have to make excuses for it. Geez.
Image via Four Inch Fold