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Man in Cargo Shorts Shoots Off Penis

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A nightmare comes true for a cargo-camo-wearing geed after tokin’ on the devil’s lettuce. I was half expecting this story to come out of Fayetteville, as the result of an Arky fan going berserk from the embarrassing loss to ULM in OT. It’s out of Florida, though, and it’s terrifying. The guy’s name is Michael Smeriglio, and he’ll now live the rest of his miserable life without a wiener.

It happened Thursday morning at a home on the 200 block of Verada Street in Port St. Lucie.

Police say 18-year-old Michael Smeriglio first lied to police saying someone shot him while he was walking down the street. After being questioned by police he admitted to accidentally doing it himself.

Jesus, man.

Doctors say the bullet went through his penis, his left testicle and then lodged itself in his thigh.

Shit, Mike. So, he’s left with just one ball now? Shit’s gonna look weird down there, real weird. I guess I’m left to wonder what you do with that one ball? You just let it chill out there living a purpose-less life and drop down an underwear size – something tighter and more supportive? Do you go ahead and ask the doctor to lop it off to even things out? So many questions…

So, what’s your next move if you’re Mike Smeriglio? Do you embrace the asexual lifestyle? Do you sink into the deepest penis-less depression imaginable? What if you meet a girl who amazingly digs the camo-cargo-black-tee-shirt-fake-wayfarer-lean-on-this-rando-Beamer-casual-cig vibe? At what point in that conversation do you drop the “Just want to be upfront with you about something…I don’t have a penis. Shot it clear off one day when I was high as a kite. Hope you’re cool with that.”

No chick is cool with that, Mike. Your best bet is to find a girl without a vagina, and if you do, charm her tits off and lock that bad bitch down.


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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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