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Man Found Dead in Tiger Pit, Our Hollywood-esque Road to Apocalypse Continues

If you’ve been paying any attention to TFM News this week, then you know that it has been a rough week for Man. On Monday a teen swimming in Florida got his arm bitten off by a gator, yesterday a bull shark nearly pulled a girl into the water as she was fishing, and now we have a man in Copenhagen, Denmark who was found dead in a fucking tiger pit.

This story was well deserving of a face palm. How much of a dumb fuck would you have to be to climb into a tiger pit? I’m no zoologist but from a very early age, after watching The Jungle Book, I learned that tigers love to fuck our shit up, and that’s exactly what these THREE tigers did to this Danish guy.

The 21-year-old Danish man, whose name was not released, was found lying in the pit with severe bite marks, the fatal one on his throat. The police are trying to figure out exactly how he managed to get in the park, but hotshot police investigator Lars Borg is fairly confident that he knows the cause of the death:

“Everything indicates that the tigers have killed him,” Borg said, noting an examination of the body showed the man had been bitten on the thigh, chest, face and throat.

No shit Sherlock, what gave it away? The vicious bite marks? Or the three Siberian tigers circling the body? At least it’s comforting that the city of Copenhagen only hires the sharpest officers for their squad.

I still can’t figure out why this idiot went in there in the first place. Police say that suicide might have be a possible explanation, in which case… HOLY SHIT. What a way to off yourself! Instead of taking a handful of sleeping pills (like a bitch) this Danish kid wanted to go round for round with tigers, until he died. What’s truly troubling about this though is that, with all the other talk about the end of the world, with these zombie attacks and God knows what else, we have one more Hollywood apocalypse scenario coming true. This time it’s from the M. Night Shyamalan abortion The Happening.

I’m not going to lie, I’d rather battle a horde of crazed rage zombies than be overcome with the urge to fight a fucking murderous jungle cat, or even worse, do this…

This apocalypse is gonna blow.

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