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Man Claims He Has a Constitutional Right to Do Sex Stuff to Donkeys

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I know this is going to come as a surprise to many of you, but another case of bestiality has come to light in the Sunshine State, which at this point is sounding more and more like the homeland of the villain in a terrible, unnecessarily elaborate porno.

Carlos Romero, 31, was arrested Monday and charged with ‘sexual activity with an animal,’ which is a misdemeanor in Florida. I was somewhat surprised to learn that this is actually a crime in Florida. As you recall, another Florida man was arrested earlier this spring for mouth-hugging his girlfriend’s three-legged dog, and prosecutors had to drop the charges due to a loophole in the statute for dog-fellatio.

Neighbors witnessed Romero standing “against the rear of the donkey with his pants down.” And if you think something is wrong with that, well then Romero thinks the problem is with you – not him.

“Florida is a backwards state and people frown on zoophilia here.”

Actually sir, Florida is quite tolerant of zoophilia compared to most other states.

Now I’m all for the axiom “Live and Let Live,” and I try not to pass judgment on those that don’t harm or become a burden to me, but the only way I’m willing to let this guy live in that sense, is if the state amputates his penis and sends it to Walter White to dissolve in a vat of Hydrofluoric acid.

Romero went on to further explain his sexual exploits by stating that when the donkey is in heat, he will position himself behind her, scratch her withers and masturbate profusely. The victim in this incident is a 21-month old miniature donkey named Doodle, which he purchased two months ago for $500.

Romero has been penetrating horses since he was 18 but didn’t feel Doodle was ready since ‘she’s blooming into maturity.’

His patience and restraint almost make this creepier than if he just collapsed the donkey’s anus and said something like, “it’s only rape if she remembers.” Knowing this guy is raising this poor little donkey to be his fuck-burro once it has “bloomed into maturity” disturbs the shit out of me.

This is not a “crime of passion” where he got swept up in the moment. This is some premeditated, twisted shit.

Beware of the patience of a crazy man.

As you probably imagined, Romero “doesn’t feel comfortable around people” and has “never been a people person.” Ok, let me add some perspective. John Wayne Gacy was not a “people person” either.

But the reason he’s a big animal lover is because “they are usually there for you,” “do not seek other pleasures,” and won’t “stab you in the back, give you diseases, and lie to you.”

Hey Romero, just because you shacked up with some skeezix with a VD-riddled scratch hole, doesn’t mean you need to go around sodomozing livestock. Next time lather your dipstick in penicillin and leave the donkeys alone.

While most of us see this as an open-and-shut case of zoophilia, Romero doesn’t. He views this case through a Constitutional law prism and believes he was unfairly deprived of his property rights without due process of law when authorities confiscated Doodle. Ron Paul 2012?

The only silver lining in this case is that you don’t have to leave the Continental 48 next time you want to catch a donkey show.


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