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Man Assaults Girlfriend with Bottle of Steak Sauce, Nicknamed ‘The Saucer’

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“50 Shades of Grey” will not stop showing up in the news and it won’t stop turning me on, either. This most recent story is almost too ridiculous to believe, but God I’m glad it’s true because it is one of the funniest stories I’ve read in awhile.

Apparently in Carlisle, U.K., a couple got into a little argument over the popular erotic novel that is frothing panties all over the world. It turns out that Emma McCormick, the frothing panty in question, was a closeted ‘Shades’ fan. But after her boyfriend Raymond Hodgson discovered her sexy secret, things got a little bit heated.

After a lengthy and contentious text message argument between the couple, the following scene occurred:

McCormick “answered the door and the argument continued,” prosecutors said. “She went to close the door and Hodgson jammed his foot into the door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her with this bottle of sauce.”

It’s as if the the lustful words from the book had sprung off the page and had cum (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE) to life. I’m questioning the entire angle that this article took, because it sounds to me more like a sexually frustrated couple tossing a little spice into their love lives. Slamming doors, a few slaps to the face before unleashing his fountain of “steak sauce?” I mean come on now, that shit sounds hot.

Unfortunately the judge, who probably hasn’t gotten past the missionary position, didn’t see it as a harmless act of good clean BDSM. After hearing Hodgson’s offense the judge let out a grumbly “Good Heavens, sir!” and ordered Hodgson to pay a modest fine.

Hodgson, who denies slapping McCormick, pleaded guilty to assault and was ordered to pay 185 pounds in fines, including 100 pounds to McCormick. The judge also imposed a six-week, 6 p.m. curfew for the convicted saucer.

Leave the A1 at home next time, champ.

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