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Man Arrested For Taking Violent Shit In Street, Accidentally Splashing 5-Year-Old

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A man in Glastonbury, England is in deep shit after dropping his trousers to bust a grumpy in the middle of the street. The ferocity of the ensuing butt puke was so violent that an errant ass flake splashed a nearby 5-year-old.

From Central Somerset Gazette:

A GLASTONBURY man has appeared in court after allegedly dropping his trousers and defecating in the middle of the road splashing a five-year-old child with excrement.

Cox pleaded not guilty to the allegation and claimed that he was left with no option other than to do what he did.

This story touches me on a personal level. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Pooping is an act of nature, and like tornados or hurricanes or floods, the storm won’t stop for anything that crosses its path. Not even innocent children are safe.

According to The LAD Bible, the incident occurred outside of a music festival, which means there are a couple factors that may have contributed to the turd travesty. Maybe he was dilated three centimeters after eating several peanut butter Cliff Bars, only to find a 45 minute wait for the port-a-john. Maybe he was tripping total ball sack and the child looked like a toilet.

Either way, I feel bad for the kid. There he was, hand-in-hand with mom on the way to his first music festival, ready to pop a molly and dry hump half-naked college girls to the pulsating beats of Deadmau5, only to have his parade rained on by some guy who didn’t plan his bowel movements.

5 Stages of having to take a shit in a crowded public place:

Denial: I don’t have to shit, I can definitely hold it till I get home.

Anger: Why is this line taking so goddamn long? I wish this lady would speed it up with the make-up. She’s not fooling anyone.

Bargaining: I’ll give you five dollars to let me cut you in line. Better yet, I won’t take a dump on your leg.

Depression: Why did I get extra refried beans on my taco? Why wouldn’t Rachel go to formal with me? What is the point of humanity’s feeble, meaningless existence?

Acceptance: You know what? Fuck it. Everybody poops. Run, children. And somebody bring me a napkin.

[via Central Somerset Gazette, The LAD Bible]

Image via Shutterstock

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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