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Hit-and-runs are no laughing matter. That is, unless you’re playing one of those games where you have to try your hardest not to laugh and somebody says, “hit-and-run” to you in an attempt to get you to laugh at something incredibly morbid and awful. When my acquaintances and I (I don’t have friends) play that game, it always ends pretty quickly because somebody will say, “The DeVry Guy had sex.” The entire room instantly bursts into a fit of intense pointing and laughing. Every time.
Anyway, some old fart at the U.S. Open last weekend was involved in a hit-and-run on the course at Pinehurst No. 2, and, in this particular case, it’s pretty hilarious.
North Carolina authorities have charged a golf cart driver at the U.S. Open golf tournament in Pinehurst with felonies after they say he hit a trooper and tried to get away.
Normally, hit-and-runs are terrible, but this one is pretty great. This old dude was probably trashed on the combination of Sea-Bond denture adhesive and Michelob Ultra that mixed together in his mouth, which made him drive even more fucked up than my therapist says my mind is.
Officials said 59-year-old Thomas Lineberry of Wilmington was charged with assault on a law enforcement officer and hit and run, both felonies. He also was charged with driving while impaired and resisting arrest.
The most concerning thing I took away from this incident was how Lineberry was charged with driving while impaired. If driving a golf cart drunk is illegal, y’all are some gosh dang miscreants (I’m in #Texas now, so I had to). I bet Tommy wants a mulligan on that one.