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Over two months ago I received an email from a “14-year-old badass.” When I first began reading it, particularly the part where he proclaims, “I’m a 14-year-old badass,” I was thinking, “My God, this kid has to be the absolute cockiest 14-year-old on the planet. There’s no way he’s the badass he says he is. Someone needs to take him down a peg or three.” I mean, who starts off an email like that? There’s such a thing as setting the tone, and then there’s what this kid did. I don’t even know if there’s a phrase to accurately describe it in the English vernacular. It’s like announcing your presence by walking into a crowded room of strangers with your zipper wide open and your hangdown out in full view. It’s in a different galaxy of audacity.
Then, as I continued to read the rest of the email, I slowly began realizing that this kid was every bit the badass he claimed to be. It was a beautifully-crafted micro-biography about his life as a 14-YOBA, then about the frat life awaiting him and the slams he’d be sexing and subsequently sending away the mornings after, about running the hallways of the frat castle, and about becoming a man.
Here is the email:
Here’s the entire email from the 14-year-old badass. It’s gold. Kid’s gonna be a star. twitter.com/RogerDornTFM/s…
— Roger Dorn (@RogerDornTFM) February 18, 2013
Then, just like that, he was gone, presumably never to be heard from again. Gone like a thief in the night, or a young superstar athlete that suffers a career-ending injury during his first year in the league. Just gone.
Not so fast. 14-YOBA triumphantly returned on Tuesday night and made sweet, sweet love to my inbox with this gem:
From: ****** ******* <******@ymail.com>
Date: April 30, 2013 10:52:42 PM CDT
To: Dillon Cheverere
Dear Mister Cheverere,
I’m the fourteen year old badass from about a month or two ago. I know I have zero experience in the frat castle, but I need help finding how to word a post for the TFM wall. I don’t have the most experience with slams but I have a little in my pocket book. I have done my fair share of fucking shit up with girls and I have used this line many times, not in apology letters but in letters of forgiveness. The line I’m talking about is saying the classic “I was hoping we could bury the hatchet.” I would love your expert opinion on how to word a post on the TFM wall illustrating the masterful use of that life-saving saying. Any help will be appreciated!!
Sincerely, the 14 year old badass,
p.s What do you favor in terms of dip, cope wintergreen or griz wintergreen?
Me: Can I write a column about this? I won’t use your name.
14-year-old badass: It would be a fucking honor.
Again with the audacity. You have no choice but to respect it. At 14-years-old, you’re in like, what, 3rd grade? This kid’s probably just leaning back in his chair on the last row during Geography class, probably tuning out his teacher droning on and on about eastern Europe or some bullshit region, ignoring advances and folded-up love notes from some 14-year-old hottie in front of him and firing F-bomb laden emails at me from his iPhone 5 like it ain’t no thing.
Truthfully, 14-YOBA, it’s my fucking honor.
Having said all that, I’m not entirely sure what 14-YOBA is trying to ask me here. I think the kid had a little too much Yoo-Hoo to drink when he typed this up, because I’m a little confused about what it is he needs advice on, but I’m going to try to work through it.
His setup was flawless, though. He stayed true to form all the way up until the money shot. He talks about not having lived in a frat castle (I mean yeah, you’re 14, man), being inexperienced in the slam department (which I find impossible to believe), having a little in his pocketbook (a little what? slam experience? why do you keep that in your pocket book? you talking about cash? are you TFTC about mentioning the word “cash”? we’re just supposed to know that? and who the hell under 70 years old says “pocket book”?), and finally his vast experience with fucking shit up with girls (like I mentioned already, he knows his way around a slam, glad he decided to come clean about it). Beautiful execution up to this point, just like you’d expect from 14-YOBA.
On to the rest of his email; he wants my advice. I know he wants to get published on the TFM Wall, and he’s trying to use the classic “burying the hatchet” phrase, but if I’m correct in my assumption, he wants to apply it to hooking up with his slam one last time. Is that about right? I don’t think 14-YOBA is the kinda hombre to leave a slam on good terms without a suckface send-off, so that’s got to be what he’s referring to.
The line I’m talking about is saying the classic “I was hoping we could bury the hatchet.”
Yeah, that’s the correct phrase. Now, let’s apply it to a 14-year-old slam. Try this:
Negotiating one final suckface session with your ex-slam before agreeing to bury the hatchet. TFM.
Submit that. Submit that right now. You never know, might even get published.
P.S. 14-YOBA is dipping tobacco four years before he’s legally allowed to. My God, who is this kid? I don’t actually dip, 14-YOBA, so I can’t answer your question. Besides, I’m not sure what the legalities are with talking to a 3rd grader about which kind of tobacco is best. That’s not something I want to add to the TFM legal team’s plate right now.