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Mailbag: Partying All Summer Long, Getting Over A Cheater, Trying To Impress An Older Woman

This is a recurring TFM series. Catch up with all installments of Mailbag by visiting the archive.

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Welcome to the TFM Mailbag, wherein I will answer your questions to the best of my ability. Send your questions to wescp4441@gmail.com. No topics are off limits.

What’s up TFM, so I got to a massive SEC school and just finished my freshman year, now I am used to partying my ass off all the time and the kids where I grew up are kinda pussies. How the hell do I stay frat all summer without being a fuckin’ dickhead? Thanks boys

I personally recommend that you try even harder. Somebody once said that when you want to be successful as badly as you want to butt-chug IPA’s before noon, you will be successful. I’m paraphrasing, of course, but I think that was the overall message.

Hey Wes,

I’ll try to keep this as simple as possible, but apologies if I ramble.

My Tinder game was going pretty well and then I nabbed this pretty good looking chick, we’ll call her Sasha; she was like no other. After a solid month of dating and screwing, Sasha was getting ready to leave for Europe for a study abroad, and asked where we stood. I said she’s free to do as she pleased in Europe, as I here, and we’ll see what’s up when she’s stateside. Neither of us did anything while she was gone. We FaceTimed every night, and seemingly will pick up where we left off when she got back in December. Problem was, I was starting my internship in January, but we went along and made it official anyway, and the FaceTiming resumed.

She came to visit in February, everything seemed alright, but I found out she cheated on me in March. I found out from her after pretty much prying it out of her, and it was with some Geed she told me not to worry about. I dumped her sorry ass, and blocked her everywhere, and haven’t tried to contact her since then. I don’t know whether or not she’s tried to contact me, nor do I care, but she has this tendency to pop back up in my mind every now and again at the worst of times. I’d never go back to her, but I am returning to campus for summer class and am looking for the best remedy to make it so I forget about her, and not the lesson I learned from the whole ordeal. Any advice?

-A frustrated Fiji

My guy Dillon Cheverere pointed out on a recent Post Grad Problems mailbag that when it comes to getting over someone, time is undefeated. Those thoughts of her that pop into your head will happen less and less over time, and hopefully they’ll be all but gone by the time you’re cheated on again.

If a remedy is what you need, then the whole “getting over someone by getting under someone else” is nothing more than a shitty stopgap solution. The real solution is one that I don’t see enough people adopting. What is it? A boys’ trip. Get your boys, and go somewhere for a weekend. That’s all there is to it. Camping, the beach, whatever. Those guys will never cheat on you, and they’ve probably been dealing with your salty attitude ever since your fling with What’s-Her-Face ended.

So I’m turning 20 next month, but lately I’ve been going out with a 25-year-old girl. I’m bringing her to my place for the first time this weekend, and I’m worried she’ll think I’m trash because I live in kind of a crappy house with three other guys my age. How can I prepare for her coming over?

Look, this girl is probably expecting your house to be somewhere between filthy and post-apocalyptic. Her expectations are incredibly low, so you just need to do a few things to be ready for her. First, you need to clean the hell out of your bathroom. Clean it until every surface is shiny and hair-free, then clean it some more. After this, do the same thing to your kitchen, then your room, then the living room. If you only clean one room, though, it had better be the fucking bathroom.

Second, take a trash bag into your room. See that Scarface poster on the wall? Tear it down and throw it in the bag. I’ve heard that those things pair well with racecar beds and having a curfew, which probably isn’t your situation. Now go over to your window sill. Those empty bottles of liquor you proudly display there also need to go in the bag. Yes, even the expensive tequila bottle you single-handedly downed at a date-and-a-fifth party after your date abandoned you.

If you want bonus points, get yourself some non-generic store brand scented candles. I’ve heard that Will DeFries over at Post Grad Problems has good taste when it comes to those, but the ones he recommends might be a little pricey for you. If you go to a drugstore, they should have some pretty decent candles on the discount rack. Good luck.

Remember to send any and all questions you have to wescp4441@gmail.com.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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