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This is going to be another “Oh fuck you, Dorno” Mailbag because it will leave many of you clamoring for pictures that you’re not going to receive. I just can’t deliver on that, man. I promised our emailer I’d sit on them before he would send them to me. That’s a promise I’ll keep a million times out of a million, because I’m a man of the people. But I’ve seen the pics, because I asked for them. I needed to confirm that A) the girl exists, and B) she isn’t too unattractive to write about. Both A and B have been confirmed, so here we are.
Our emailer, who will remain nameless, went home during spring break to hang with Mom and Dad (what an idiot!) because he was broke. (True story: My fraternity brother successfully went on an out-of-state spring break trip on a $9 budget.) While home and shunning thoughts of what I can only assume were suicidal in nature, he decided to pass the time in his miserable life by seeing if any fish were biting at the local pond, so he Tindered from home. One of the local babes he came across, he knew very well. It was his twin sister. And much to his dismay, she was showing all kinds of skin.
Our emailer freaked out. The email is below.
Dear Professor D(ickweed)orn,
Because I am a broke asshole, I spent this spring break at home with my family. Bored out of my mind, I decided to spend some of my time perusing tinder, in the hopes that some of the local talent had improved in my absence (it hadn’t). Anyway, I was having a grand old time, right up until I came across the last person in the universe I’d hoped to see: my twin sister. Her profile picture was…well, it contained less clothing than I would have preferred. Needless to say, I wouldn’t wish a similar fate on my worst enemy.
So, I’m writing to ask a few questions:
1. Should I delete tinder from my phone?
2. Should I destroy the phone itself?
3. What is an appropriate amount of time to spend washing out my eyes?
4. Should I ever speak to her again?
5. Is there anything else I can do to erase this from my memory, or otherwise recover?
Advice would be appreciated, as I am in some considerable shock at the moment. Thanks man.
I’ll dive right into the questions before telling you why you need to take a deep breath, relax, and accept reality.
3. Stupid question.
Now, let’s think about this logically for a little bit. You were Tindering because you were hoping to lock down some subpar local trim. Right? Why can’t she see if any dude ass falls her way? She’s an adult with an adult body with which she can do whatever she pleases. She’s at home during spring break, too. Not doing shit. Might as well break up the monotony of the days spent at home by going to town on some local meat.
Double standards, dude. Look, your sister is on Tinder to lock down some spring break D, and you need to accept it and move on. Two horny kids out there just trying to catch a nut. So maybe you two shared a womb and grew up basically attached at the hip, and, yeah, that’s a little weird to think about. But we get older. Things change. Hormones kick in, we get hair in weird places, and we start trying to stick our body parts in other people’s stuff. That’s how it goes. We’re a disgusting species.
I understand this is an unwelcome revelation, and for that, I apologize. You need to let your sister spread her wings and fly, though, even if her desired destination is the crotch of your loser high school buddy who’s been lifeguarding at the neighborhood pool since graduating..
Image via Shutterstock