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Mailbag: Fraternity Dreams And Micro-Peens

This is a recurring TFM series. Catch up with all installments of Mailbag by visiting the archive.

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Welcome to the TFM Mailbag, wherein I will answer your questions to the best of my ability. Send your questions to wescp4441@gmail.com. No topics are off limits.

I absolutely love reading the fucked up shit y’all put on here. Now that that’s out of the way- I’m a junior in HS and I already know I’m goin to Ole Miss. I figure I can’t look at every fraternity in a week, so do you have any suggestions for which ones to make a priority?? Also, if you could shoutout Sam Stockman that would be awesome and a hell of a story.
-Thanks

All you have to is ask someone who’s already been involved in the Greek life at Ole Miss for some time. Boom, done.

And as for this Stockman fellow, I’m sure he’s absolutely the coolest cat around and totally not a loser! For sure not the type of person where a shoutout from a college website would constitute a meaningful occurrence in his life. Three cheers for the Stock-man!

What’s good Wes-
Long time fan here. I have just transferred halfway through sophomore year into University of Alabama from a smaller private school. I am currently living off campus (yes-in my parent’s guest house fml) until next semester, and until then I don’t know a soul on campus. Do you have any suggestions on the first thing I need to do to get involved in the frat scene until next semester? Anything helps, Thanks.

This might be pretty intimidating, but try going to a fraternity house on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon and knocking on the door. Explain to the brothers there that you’re looking to rush next semester and that you’d like to know more about their house and the process as a whole. They could just tell you to go look it up online, but it would be in their best interest to show you around and get you thinking about their house early on.

You also need to get in on some of the non-Greek stuff going on at your school. Try to get yourself a decent crew of people that have nothing to do with Greek Row, as sometimes you’ll want to get away from your fraternity once you’re in one. Don’t worry about starting slow; it’s still cold outside, and things probably won’t pick up for a little while. You’ve got time, so get out there.

Wes,

I have a micropenis. Am I forever prohibited from getting sorority girls? What can I do?

Thanks

Well, I haven’t gotten a question quite like this one before. Unfortunately, it is well known that I have a very large and beautiful penis, so I’m not sure how good my advice can be. Nonetheless, I’ll try to put myself into your trousers for a minute. First off, you are NEVER prohibited from getting sorority girls, or any girls for that matter. If you’re decent-looking and play your cards right, the sky is the limit. However, I’m going to assume that you won’t play your cards right.

Your miniscule member is probably the least of your problems when it comes to getting women. It’s not like your dick is out when you introduce yourself and get to know a girl, and that’s where 95% of people fuck up. Chances are you’ll be too shy to introduce yourself to her in the first place. Maybe you’ll run out of things to talk about and leave her staring blankly at you before she cuts the awkwardness short and says “Nice to meet you, I’m going to get a drink.” Maybe you’ll get her number, text her something way too forward, and never hear from her again.

Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen when you actually have a girl who wants to have sex with you. I can’t say what might take place when you finally release your diminutive dagger from its cage. But it doesn’t matter. By that point, you’ve already won. “But Wes,” you say. “Won’t she roast me in her group text about my pocket-sized prick?” Of course she will. But again, it doesn’t matter. If you’ve ever had any kind of relationship or sexual encounter with a woman, you have been torn limb from limb in her group text. That’s just part of life. So get out there and wave your baby carrot proudly, but not really because that’s a serious crime.

Remember to send any and all questions you have to wescp4441@gmail.com.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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