I’ve been out of the game for a while, thus the breadth of my street knowledge and lingo isn’t like it used to be, but it’s not dead either. I have all of you to thank for that. You guys keep me young — usually so forthcoming with interesting new terms and nuances of the seedy, post-adolescent lifestyles you live, whether I solicit them or not. An example can be seen in today’s Mailbag.
An unfamiliar term hit my inbox recently. Under the subject line “Confused,” an emailer explained to me the debacle he found himself in. It’s a love triangle of sorts, except replace love with fingering and fucking. His words, not mine. “Adam” goes on to tell me that the hot girl he wants to have sex with is throwing up road blocks because she “thinks” Adam violated her friend by way of fingering her, which he denies to her, but he totally did it, he admits. He is seeking my advice on how to navigate these tumultuous waters, with the ultimate goal of “fucking” the “much hotter friend.” In the midst of all this, I learn a new, awesome, really aggressive sex term.
His email is below.
First of all, fuck yourself Dorn. But I have a question. Some girl that I’m trying to bang thinks I fingered some other girl at a party and won’t fuck me because she thinks I violated her. I keep denying it because even though I minivanned the shit out of this girl I want to fuck her much hotter friend. What should I do dorno?
Ps. Fuck you.
P.s.s. Fuck devry guy
I quickly fired back a one-word response: Minivanned?
just when you straight up punch that coot.
thanks for the help i was stupid drunk. keep it sleezy you bastards.
Glossing over his inspiring use of “straight up punch that coot,” I took to Twitter to seek further affirmation of my new favorite word.
Has anyone heard of the term "minivanned" in a sexual context? Example: "I minivanned this chick on the dance floor."
— Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) February 24, 2015
Two minutes later, I got my answer.
@RogerJDorn 2 in the front, 5 in the back. The minivan.
— Mahler (@NewMahler) February 24, 2015
Mother of God. It makes too much sense not to be accurate. That has to be it. Urban Dictionary confirmed.
Let’s assume Adam used “minivanned” haphazardly and didn’t actually minivan this poor girl. Because if he truly went two in the front, five in the back, yeah, he violated her big time, and he not only deserves to remain sans sex the remainder of his collegiate career, but might also should be put behind bars for safe measure, to avoid further minivannings. That would make him a legitimate psychopath, and if the minivanning was consensual, that makes two psychopaths meandering around a college campus somewhere. If there is any minivanning going on away from the porn set of a very niche freak sector, I just, I don’t know anymore. I’m losing hope in today’s youth, I guess.
Finding a college girl down for butt play has to be a rarity, but finding one down for extreme butt play such as this is in sexually promiscuous white buffalo territory. I just don’t see it happening, and we should all be thankful.
I guess I’ll answer his question, even though it’s really dumb and I don’t really know what he’s asking, and I’m certain he only emailed to drop a “minivanned” reference on me and let the world know he fingers girls in college. Just say this, Adam: Babe, I only minivanned her because I was saving myself for you. I sincerely hope it doesn’t work, though..
If you have a question for the Mailbag, email it to Dillon (firstname.lastname@example.org) and include “Mailbag” in your subject line.