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You’ve all been put on notice. This email is now the benchmark for column-worthy mailbag material. Before you send me that story about the dude in your chapter that loves to grind on girls on the dance floor during your house parties, but can’t do it without springing wood every time, make sure there’s enough going on with the details, give me a funny ending, or at least give me a powerful climax to work with, before you decide to send it on to my inbox. If it’s not up to the standard you’re about to read, sit on it — I don’t want to read it.
Here’s a tale about a TFM reader who was awe-stricken by the beauty of the bald eagle mating ritual…while in the middle of a little mating ritual of his own, the human kind. But it’s what happens during this encounter that influenced him to tell me about it, and now, I’m sharing it with you.
I wanted to share my story from last night with someone from the TFM team. I was gonna go with you or Bacon, but that dude wears undershirts way too often… Last night me and my bottom bitch, main squeeze, slam numero uno, or whatever the hell the kids call the “go to slay for the evening” these days came over to help me celebrate my internship offer. We were watching a movie called “The Big Year” with Jack Black, Owen Wilson, and Steve Martin. The movie is about the pursuit of being the best birder in the world (identifying the most birds in North America). Seemed like a terrible idea for a movie but with JB and Steve Martin I thought I’d give it a shot.
Well, sweetheart over here is really feeling the 4 or 5 BL Lime beers she’s been sipping on, or she just really hated the movie… She decides to get naked and starts riding me like Seattle Slew going for another Triple Crown. Now I’m no “stallion” per se, but I was making a good 7 or 8 minute run. All of the sudden I hear “Bald Eagle” in the movie. Now I don’t want to kill the mood, but being the American I am I switch it up to go reverse cowgirl so I can get a peek of what is going on. It was a scene where the three men had stumbled across a bald eagle and his mate in the courtship ritual… The opportunity of a lifetime.
Right after the very end when JB is talking about “at the last second they break-off” I seized the opportunity. I let out a nice long “AMERICA” as I spread my seed. As expected she got kind of pissy when she realized that I had turned her around to watch that part and called me “a ridiculous try-hard.”
The real kicker of the story is is that she is absolutely right. My TFM name is SigChiefinCigsBK2664 and she has no idea I took a screen shot of our conversation after the first night we met and sent it in to TFM. It’s entitled “Aquarium Pull” and is about how I shacked her from lying about having an aquarium in my room, and taking her to see it. I wish I had the creative mind to make this up, but it’s (almost) completely true. this was just solid gold and couldn’t help but share with one of you being the “ridiculous try-hard” that I am.
I’m sure all you TFM men are keeping Austin extra weird (BOOMER SOONER),
P.S. Movie is worth a shot if you are extremely bored
Here’s the scene:
It truly is a beautiful, inspiring ritual, SigChiefinCigsBK2664, and one I wasn’t aware of until today, so thank you for that. Such majestic creatures.
Now, you’re giving in to the “try-hard” moniker a little too easily here I think, man. Don’t accept that label so nonchalantly like this. It’s not one that should sit well with you. We’ve all had our weak points where we get caught up in the moment and blurt out regretful things, or maybe wear a patriotic tank when everyone shows up in standard full-sleeve attire. Maybe you spend a buck-fifty on back-to-back-to-back “Shout” by Otis Day and the Knights on the jukebox when the rest of the bar is really just in the mood to chill out and catch up on conversation. Shit happens.
At least you yelled out “America!” and not something ridiculous like “Sperrys!” or “Chubbies!” Or God forbid something blackball-worthy like “Frat star!” Never feel remorse for using your country’s name in a moment of passion. Plus, the simple fact that you recognized your weak moment is a great sign that the behavior was atypical of you.
Lastly, you pulled off the oft attempted, but rarely successful “aquarium in the room” move. That’s no new-age try-hard move, my man. That’s an old classic.