If there is one lesson my father instilled into my brain from the day I was born, it was to always be the chased, not the chaser. Women love attention from men. Find me someone who will deny that fact. When it comes to the male side of the equation, there is a fairly thick line between desperation and friendly attention. One of which is completely acceptable, while the other is a sexual death wish. I absolutely love women. I, however, refuse to fawn over their every breath as some seem to have embraced as a foolproof method of garnering attraction in today’s society.
As I grow older, a realization has come upon me. My generation as a whole loves attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s from the fucking mailman or an internet personality across the globe. Whether they are too timid to seek it in person or are too fucking weird for anyone to dare give them what they want is a question to which I do not have an answer. When you combine women who seek attention with men desperate for any form of interaction with a living, breathing woman, we find ourselves witnessing one of the most disheartening scenes that has come to play out on every social media platform known to man. I’d prefer we stop this trend sooner rather than later.
We live in an internet-driven world. I understand that. Nearly everything we do is somehow connected to the internet. We have free access to the world’s best porn, every do-it-yourself guide created, borderline legal alcohol recipes, and even 24/7 reruns of old Nickelodeon shows. The World Wide Web has everything. Well, everything except physical human contact. While it is possible to flourish an online interaction into a personal connection, the people who can manage this have an iota of hope left in their veins.
The men who actively implore internet personalities for retweets or a follow fail to understand that their short-term success is hindering their long term chances at any relationship. Yes, your internet crush retweeted you. Now you look like an even bigger idiot on a bigger stage. Women are sleuths. Not only can they sense the desperation emitting from your person, but they will discover every pathetic social media contact you have initiated with an unobtainable female.
Let’s take a look at a few examples of overzealous virgins provided by the eccentric followers of Anna Faith.
Really, buddy? I agree, she is beautiful. However, women do exist outside of your screen, bud. Wait for the sun to rise, take a lap around your neighborhood or apartment complex, and witness women in the flesh. It’s a magical sight. Some are quite attractive. Others are not worthy of a comment. Either way, you’re closer to an actual cooter than you were a short while ago. If you approach them, they may do something really crazy, such as talk to you. Although, in your case, it would almost certainly conclude in the back seat of a police cruiser.
Ah, fuck. This guy is a fan of the emoji keyboard. Let’s cut those out, man. As for your admiration of her video, we all know she could film herself digging for nostril gold and you’d still proclaim it as the most hilarious moment in human history. You’re the kind of guy who thinks receiving pink eye from a fucking fart she bottled would be the sexiest moment of your life.
Here are three prime examples of terribly single men. Do I know them personally? Fuck no. I don’t associate myself with men who seek out women through Twitter. I’m taking a shot in the dark, but I do not believe it is difficult to make an assumption as to their relationship status. We’re going to ignore the fact that one of these goobers is a “Twilight” fanatic and lambast the moron who claims her Snapchats are worth dying for. Are they really? Motherfucker, I can show you an internet full of naked women just as attractive as your right hand’s crush.
This trend is not exclusive to Twitter.
If I sound perturbed, it’s because I am. I am tired of seeing a generation of young men so desperately clamoring for the attention of any semi-attractive online female at the cost of unknowingly wrecking their reputation. Do you people have no shame? You are not catching her attention. What you are doing is nothing short of proclaiming to the world that you’ve never touched a boob (and have no plans to do so any time soon).
In no way do I claim to be the alpha of alphas. I am no surefire pussy slayer myself. I do recognize the wrong approach when I see it, however, and if you continue to act as if some attractive pixels are worth destroying every ounce of dignity that remains within your sexually frustrated body, you will find yourselves amongst one of the loneliest, horniest generations in human history.
Girls have social media, too, and they see every foolhardy tweet you send to [insert unobtainable female celebrity here]. No respectable woman is willing to tell her friends that she is dating or hooking up with the guy who publicly tweets Jennifer Lawrence and informs her of the multiple dreams he has enjoyed of her.
Instead of spending our hours giving the public a live rundown of our masturbation schedule, let’s spend it talking with real girls. Hell, I’ll even knock the bar down a few notches for you. If social media is your safety blanket from the trauma brought about by the opposite sex, let’s at least keep it to girls we know in our personal lives (assuming you backward fucks know someone with a vagina).
And, if we’re going to limit it to girls we actually know, be sure to fucking spell your shit correctly. Google exists even if you’re an illiterate moron.
Nobody likes a desperate soul, and, well, some of you idiots are on my last nerve. As one of the TFM commenters so eloquently told me several days ago, “don’t make me hate you.”.
Image via Bloomua/Shutterstock.com