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Let’s Show A Little Respect For The Dick Pic

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An Ode To The Dick Pic

In this era of quickly evolving technology and constantly changing slang, memes, and fads, very few pop culture phenomenons have withstood the test of time. Myspace and the Top 8? Ancient. Chuck Norris jokes? Old news. Rickrolling? Over. Planking? Gone. Chatroulette? Done. Pagers, flip phones, digital cameras, and iPods that lack a touch-screen feature? Outdated technology. In fact, aside from selfies, the one phenomenon that has withstood the test of time ever since the birth of the camera phone is the dick pic, which really is just a selfie for your chub.

In the pre-Cyber Dust days (Snapchat saves all snaps on a server, by the way) dick pics were forever. A girl could save your dick pic on her phone and show it to everyone. Even if you have an impressive johnson, which is clearly NF, having a dick pic floating around out there somewhere is bad news, especially if you are seeking gainful employment outside the adult film industry. Dick pics knocked Brett Favre out of the spotlight and into Wrangler commercials and became a permanent taint on Anthony Wiener’s political career, pun intended. But the obvious consequences of sending photos of your kosher kielbasa to a willing or reluctant member of the female gender has not halted the high frequency dick pic market–which is significantly larger than the snatch pic market, because feminism has encouraged women to draw the line at tit pics, but I digress. The emergence of Snapchat and Cyber Dust has made it easier than ever to send a dick pic with minimal consequences, which has made the dick pic a pop culture staple more than ever. Even if the recipient screenshots, she can’t prove that it belongs to you without a thorough penile examination. Hopefully you don’t have any distinguishing dick freckles.

We must honor the dick pic as a lasting pop culture phenomenon of inexplicable purpose. Why do we really send dick pics? Bragging rights? Seduction? I highly doubt women find dick pics as attractive as guys find nudes. We basically do it to be told we have a great-looking cock, which is a stupid reason. However, when there’s a near fatal lack of blood to the brain because it’s flowing to the wrong head, the odds of having a rational thought are lower than winning the Mega Millions jackpot. But girls see them. They pass them around. They tell their friends how big or small your dick is, and they have fun giggling about it. They may even power rank your dick among the other ones they’ve had the pleasure (or lack of pleasure) of seeing. This is why the dick pic has transcended the barriers of fame, income, geography, and culture. In many ways, the dick pic has become a rite of passage for men entering the wild world of technology, and a perpetual disappointment for women.

It is because of dick pics being the rite of passage for technologically-accessible young men that we honor the dick pic. We can let people call it creepy, pathetic, and perverted when sent unsolicited (and it may be) but the boldness and blind willingness to show your phallus is downright American, so let it all hang out. Be proud to be part of this timeless penile pop culture phenomenon. God bless America.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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