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Let’s Get Rid Of Fat Gym Teachers

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It’s time to talk about something topical. Something that’s been on all of our minds, but it’s hard to write about because it’s such a touchy, controversial subject. But somebody’s gotta do it. No, not NFL players kneeling during the anthem. No, not something involving the president. And no, not even the recent tragedy of Travis Scott being abducted into the Kardashian clan.

We’re here to talk about fat gym teachers.

It’s about time we get rid of these disgusting bastards, these walking contradictions. There’s only one way to get our great country on the right track, and the first step is very simple. Fat gym teachers are single-handedly destroying society.

You’d think this would be a no-brainer but apparently not since it’s taken this long. The world may never know why we haven’t gotten rid of these people yet, and I certainly don’t have the answers. But these scumbags have prospered for far too long. Don’t worry, though. Those days are no more.

In elementary school, my gym teacher, Mr. Carlson, was a morbidly obese blob of a man. Even as a naive child I thought this was weird. For all my eight years in elementary school (2nd grade was pretty rough), I was furious that I was getting fitness advice from a gelatinous prick who could barely fit through doors. Heartbreaking. Same with middle school, where a lady who looked like Drew Carey in drag kept telling us to run our laps faster. This goes against the natural order of the universe.

In America, we have so many debates going on about all the issues we need to tackle. There’s so much division. So let’s take care of this problem first. We can all agree on this, therefore it unites us. The only people who aren’t against fat gym teachers are fat gym teachers themselves. They’re clearly biased because they wanna keep that salary so they can afford a dozen donuts for breakfast every morning. Disturbing.

Letting fat people teach gym is like letting Stephen Hawking teach a salsa dancing class. It’s like letting Mike Tyson be a speech therapist. In humor, there’s the rule of three but I’m too lazy to think of a third example so let’s just move on with our lives.

We need to have a system in place for anyone who wants to be a gym teacher. You need your height and weight measured. If you fall into the morbidly obese category, not only will you be denied a job, you will also do 25 to life in a maximum security prison for having the audacity to think your chubby ass should be teaching fitness to children.

If you’re pushing 300 pounds, you can’t make 6th graders run pacers when you can’t even walk up the stairs for half a millisecond without having a mini heart attack. It makes no sense. Fat gym teachers discourage the kids. Once we get rid of them, we’ll be building a more confident and competent generation for the future. The next generation could be the greatest generation yet, but we need to do this before it’s too late. God help us.

Fat gym teachers are stupid, pointless, and they don’t make sense. They’re like the human version of Wally Bryton articles. We need to get rid of them. Today.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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