Oh baby, here we go again. MARCH. FUCKING. MADNESS. Productivity in America is about to shut down like a Japanese power plant. You didn’t know UNC Asheville existed? Fuck it. Throw a few hundred bucks on them to cover the spread tonight, and pick them in your fraternity bracket (fracket?). Why? So you can pound booze and scream obscenities at your dumbshit brother who picked University of Arkansas – Little Rock. For every matchup, make two pledges dress as the mascots of the competing teams. This way everyone has someone to blame, and haze, throughout the entire tournament. Tonight, one pledge can dress as a hornet, for Alabama State University, and the other as a roadrunner, for UTSA. Make them fight like American Gladiators. Haze them for missing three-pointers (everything is their fault). Mercilessly degrade the losing pledge. Have fun with it. If your school has earned the right to compete in the tournament, remember that every game is more important than class, court dates, and girlfriends’ birthdays combined. In fact, if you are the least bit concerned that your significant other may be some kind of bad luck omen, break up with her immediately. Just to be safe, do it in a really fucked up way. Make her cry like Dickie V. Your school will thank you.
Try to be careful mixing Adderall and bracketology. You don’t want to end up sending in a TFM like this: “Spent 6 hours over analyzing my bracket on Adderall. TFM.” Just get shitfaced, scribble down your picks, and be prepared to fight strangers over games that you wouldn’t even watch if gambling didn’t exist. If you’re going to attend class, do not pay attention. Make sure you have Sportsbook.com pulled up on your phone at all times, and stream the fucking game to your laptop. Do not try and hide the fact that you have an obnoxious amount of money riding on this. Fist pump and high five sorostitutes sitting around you, or point and laugh at GDIs as if they are the opposing team (they are).
“You are a 16 seed in the tournament of life, and shouldn’t have even gotten that bid to begin with.”