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Legendary NFL Quarterback Kyle “The Bottle” Orton Announces Retirement

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They say all good things must come to an end, but damn it, Kyle, you’re leaving us way too soon. That’s right, I regret to inform you that Buffalo Bills’ quarterback, Kyle “The Bottle” Orton, has finally called it quits, retiring at the youthful age of 32. He finished his career with 101 touchdowns to only 69 interceptions, but let’s be honest, it was never his highlight reel on the field that made him a fan favorite. Rather, we cherished moments like this:

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That’s our boy packing a massive lip on the sidelines, mid-game, with no regard for human life. Yes, throughout his career, Kyle set unprecedentedly new lows for how many fucks a human being could possibly give.

Hollywood could not have written a better ending as Orton went out the only way he could, with a win over the Patriots and an Irish exit out of the locker room.

He was a journeyman, a facial hair connoisseur, a true man amongst men. Kyle, you were not the quarterback we deserved, but you were the quarterback we needed. You gave guys across the country with overall subpar talent and looks a glimmer of hope in this dark and cold world. For that, you’re a hall of famer in our books. So we say with teary eyes, “Goodnight, sweet prince, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.”

Image via Youtube

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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