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Leave it to LBJ to come up short.
Last night during the Dubs’ Game 4 drumming of the Cavs, the whole world bore High Def witness to LeBron James adjusting his shorts, only to find out that in the penis department, “The King” was more accurately The Court Jester.
I’ve spent more hours breaking down this photo than the goddamn Zapruder film, you guys. Running the numbers. Comparing it to other dong specimens. Analyzing the sabermetrics of it all. Might have even thought about doing some taste tests, just to be THOROUGH. Through this vigorous research, my profession opinion surmised as follows:
BABY DICK BABY DICK LEBRON HAS A BABY DICK LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Really glad to have LeBron on Team Too Flaccid To Care, you guys. Next month, it’ll have been four years since I started the Small Dongs Are Frat Revolution at TFM, and this is by far our greatest coup. Everyone knows that #ladiez are all about the casual, modest peens — not lagging behind, but not showing off, either. Chicks dig that nice, 2″ sweet spot. Been saying it for years.
It makes a shit ton of sense that the most dominant hoops player in the world has a tiny donger. Think of all the advantages that LeBron’s PED (Performance Enhancing Dong) gives him-
• Less lap strudel to weigh you down. Really elevates your vertical jump.
• Doesn’t have to worry about any appendages getting in the way of any crossover dribbles.
• Opposing players know that he’s going to try extra hard to penetrate the hole.
• It becomes way easier for him to grip balls without any interference.
• On any given night, he can be small and play the 2, or when he wants to be a big man inside he can switch to the 4.
• He won’t have to count so high next time he says “not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six.”
• Being the great leader he is, he makes his white teammates feel better about themselves.
• Throughout the course of the game, he’ll have the same intensity, whether it’s at the end and just the tip.
• Cleveland is well accustomed to not measuring up.
• On nights when the ball just won’t go through the hoop, he won’t blink twice at fans asking, “is it in yet?”
• At least it takes the attention off his hairline.
LeBron’s little baby dick takes its talents to Golden State for Game Five this Sunday..
Image via YouTube