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Law Students Are Awful (Video)

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“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants!”

Classic, patriotic oratory coming straight from the dude on the nickel. President Jefferson could really give Al Pacino a run for his money in the halftime speech department.

The reason those words still manage to tug our red, white, and blue heartstrings so tenderly is because they invoke proud images of all the sacrifices given throughout the centuries by our fallen countrymen. Sacrifices that have procured our fortune of living in the greatest country on the face of God’s green Earth. Well, that is until China figures out a way to pump out renditions of the “Star Spangled Banner” for three cents on the dollar, and the whole place turns to shit.

Jefferson’s stirring words were first proclaimed in a time of bloody revolution, of God-loving patriots with a hard-on for Lady Liberty who were in constant fear of Redcoats storming our homes. “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants” served as a call to arms, one that boldly proclaimed to the Commies across the pond, “We’re Americans, and we’re not about to take squat from some crooked-toothed, tax-happy Limey.”

If only ol’ TJ could bear witness to this modern day Paul Revere in the video below. A tear would run down his eye and splash right onto Sally Hemings’ left bosom.

The Battles of Lexington and Concord? Pfft. Historic mincemeat. The shot heard around the world? More like a mere bloop single up the gap of American folklore, compared to the storied events that transcended in those three minutes and twenty seconds of captivating footage.

I’m not saying this is the quintessential patriotic moment in the history of America, but if this video had surfaced during the filming of The Patriot, Mel Gibson would have ran off the set in hysterics.

For, is there any doubt, whatsoever, that the policemen whose images were captured on that iPhone of soon-to-be American lore were anything but tyrants? Let neither their Mario Lopez-esque cool demeanors, nor their quasi-beatified patience with putting up with this hipster’s starlet antics, blind you from the truth.

Never mind the fact that these officers were probably just out moseying around when, out of the blue, the officers catch wind on the dispatch about some rebel rouser that’s strolling the sunlit suburban streets, fully strapped with a Con-Law casebook in one hand, firearm in the other, taking the phrase “first-year law school gunner” to the next degree.

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants!” is what Jefferson surely would have thought about the breathtaking standoff. Sure, you’d have to replace “tree of liberty” with “wasting two seemingly nice guys’ time,” “tyrants” with “in any other country, these saints would give you the Nelson Mandela treatment,” and “blood” with “three-plus minutes of YouTube footage bravely captured by a hidden camera,” but the point remains the same, dammit!

My fellow Americans, we can all sleep a little easier tonight. Our Second Amendment, nay, ALL of our Amendments, are safe (for now), and we owe it all to this nasally-voiced, iPhone-concealing, time-wasting, disrespectful, proud owner of a Con-Law outline TRUE AMERICAN HERO.

And some idiots have the nerve to think that law students are awful people.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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