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Lance Armstrong Attempts Beer Mile, Fails Miserably On First Lap

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Ah, the beer mile. A classic, athletically regimented drinking feat first realized in the history books circa 778 B.C., just two years after the first recorded Olympic games took place in ancient Greece. Maybe I just made that up, but whatever. I’m assuming our male psyche hasn’t evolved that much in the last 2,700 years, and it’s funny to imagine a belligerent Hercules running circles around foes, and all the while, crushing every cup of mead he could get his hands on.

For those unaware of what the stunning combination of imbibing and sport entails, it’s simple: four quarter-mile laps, and a beer to drink before running each of them. They have world championships for this stuff, guys. Honestly.

For some reason, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong was ballsy enough to show up for the recent Flotrack Beer Mile World Championships in Austin, Texas, thinking that he could hang with some guys who would be solid gold medal contenders if this magnificent amalgamation of the two things guys do best (sports and beer, duh) was an actual Olympic event.

Unsurprisingly–probably because of the absence of steroids these days–the same guy who cheated his way to seven consecutive wins in a 2,667 mile race couldn’t even make it past the first quarter-mile. This means you can most likely run a faster beer mile than a seven-time Tour de France winner (HUGE ASTERISK) so be proud of that, and revel with me in watching Armstrong fail miserably in his attempt.

Armstrong showed literally zero heart. Why even show up if you’re not going to give your all to finish? That’s totally the attitude of a loser.

How about the two guys who actually dominate, though? A mile and four beers in a little more than six minutes? They went all out and turned in two seriously impressive performances. That’s the thing about this sport, though: it takes balls.

For reference, the world record is 4:57, and it was run by James “The Beast” Nielsen. He drinks Budweiser.

[via SI Extra Mustard]

Image via Youtube

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Ashley Schaeffer BMW

Ashley Schaeffer was a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move. If you thought he was a woman, he'll take that as a compliment, because he loves women. Wooh.

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