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Know Your Evil Corporations

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Like William Shatner’s age and Tim Tebow’s virginity, cradle to the grave advertising has imprinted us with certain perceptions of reality that are often quite distorted. Corporations wield considerable influence over our daily lives and most of us don’t even understand the magnitude. It’s time to shed some light on the assholes that coddle us and get to know some of our favorite evil corporations a little better.

Blackwater… or Xe, or whatever the League of Assassins is calling themselves these days…


This one should be pretty obvious. Blackwater profits off of war. Sure, they provide other valuable security services for the community, but when you really get down to it, they kill people for money. That might be pretty evil, but at least it’s the shit kicking, bitch slaying, badass barbarian kind of evil that Americans can really relate to.

The problem is that our government relies too heavily on independent contractors. America has less control over the actions that get attributed to our nation as a whole — actions such as shooting unarmed civilians. In the game of taking lives, only those who kill for flags should get a free pass.

A sophisticated private army with sole allegiance to the almighty dollar creates several concerns, such as upsetting the balance in the loom of fate and pissing Morgan Freeman right the fuck off. Wait, was that seriously the plot of that movie? Jesus…



Ever wonder why a diamond is forever? Because DeBeers said so.

In the 1920s, Cecil Rhodes began building the DeBeers diamond empire by acquiring every last diamond mine in South Africa. Through it’s subsidiary companies and distributors, DeBeers assumed control of the quantity and price of diamonds that hit the market. Control of production allowed DeBeers to artificially inflate the price of diamonds and create a false sense of scarcity by hoarding them. It’s all bullshit supply and demand, pioneered and perfected by DeBeers.

When diamonds were discovered in Siberia in the 1950’s, the DeBeers monopoly was threatened by a flood of low quality communist pop rocks. Instead of competing with the commies, DeBeers simply bought all of the diamonds that came out of Russia. They had a very lucrative trade agreement with the USSR, which makes them de facto evil.

If that’s not bad enough, DeBeers then launched one of the greatest mindwarping/advertising campaigns of all time. The advertising overlords at DeBeers managed to convince men, especially in America and Japan, that the diamond symbolizes love and the size of the diamond symbolizes wealth and power. The propaganda campaign finally got its nut with the slogan that eventually became DeBeers’s official motto: “A diamond is forever.”

Holy mind fuck Batman, it worked. In the 1930s, the market was flooded with diamonds and they weren’t worth shit. DeBeers took shit and turned it into diamonds, literally. Once they controlled supply, all they needed was a little demand. Cinema and television were the unholy gospels of truth during that generational span. All it took was an army of diamond wearing actresses pretending that these useless little rocks were the bees knees and the ritz tits. People were too stupid to question the movies back then. Monkey see, monkey dumb.

To this day, the diamond market remains a billion dollar industry and people all over the world judge each other based on the size of a tiny, remarkably common, artificially expensive stone that’s worn on the finger of some brainwashed bimbo.

University of Phoenix


Every year, countless fools get ripped off by these bottom feeding, asshole sucking, soul raping con artists. They prey upon the intellectually vulnerable and take advantage of the inherent human yearning for success. Well-intentioned people can pay up to $70,000 for some bullshit degree that no employer on the planet gives a single fuck about.

The University of Phoenix is a for-profit corporation that sells dumb people nothing. You can’t really blame the students though. After all, they must be really, really, dumb if they thought their U of Phux degree would ever get them a job that doesn’t require extensive order taking.

MIT offers free online video feeds for many of their classes. You can literally get an MIT education in certain subjects for free. The Internet is bringing cheaper, more accessible, high quality education to everyone. The University of Phoenix and other online vulture universities are perfect examples of negative responses to a question that will inevitably infect all college institutions:

“How can I sell someone something that should be cheap for an incredibly amoral amount of money?”

It’s a fucked up world when you can get a top-tier education for free and have the same odds of getting a job as the idiot who dropped 70k for a useless piece of paper.

Certain corporations negatively affect our lives in more ways than you might realize. In the war of disinformation, knowledge is precious ammunition.
Who do you think are some of the most evil corporations in the world?

Leave your responses in the comments along with any other mental masturbation the trolls have the strength to articulate.

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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