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Fuck Justin Bieber. Fuck Justin Bieber so hard. Is there anyone in the world who is a bigger bitch than this coddled, 19-year-old megastar? Roger Dorn and I have this conversation at least once a week, and it always ends with us both agreeing that this kid needs to be hazed so, so badly. If Justin Bieber walked into the TFM offices, I wouldn’t hesitate to grab the paddles off my wall so the TFM team could go Dazed and Confused on his ass.
How is it that I long for the days when the product of a super famous child’s overly sheltered life was simple insanity, with a side of child molestation? That’s how bad Justin Bieber is. I’d rather be dealing with Michael Jackson.
The latest story about the Biebs might be the most hilarious one yet.
Sources tell us … Keyshawn — a former NFL superstar — had just left a party Monday night inside of his exclusive gated community in Calabasas (with his child in the car), when Bieber zoomed by in his Ferrari at breakneck speeds.
We’re told Keyshawn was furious — feeling Justin could’ve killed someone — so he brought his kid home, then chased after the singer in his Prius (yes, a Prius chasing a Ferrari).
When KJ got to Bieber’s pad — he blocked Justin’s Ferrari in the driveway and got out of his car to confront Justin face-to-face … but Justin ran inside of his house and refused to come out.
Holy shit that’s awesome. Justin Bieber comes FLYING into his neighborhood, recklessly driving his Ferrari like an asshole, acting tough, and then when confronted by his giant black neighbor for acting like an asshole, he runs inside scared, like a bitch. For some reason he wasn’t feeling badass enough to spit in Keyshawn’s face like he did the last neighbor who confronted the pop star for driving like a piece of shit. Weird how Bieber had an easier time standing up to some middle aged white guy instead of a gigantic, former professional athlete.
I would have loved to see this go down, but alas, I’ll simply have to imagine it instead.
–Inside Justin Bieber’s Ferrari–
(*Justin Bieber and his Crew speed through their neighborhood in Bieber’s Ferrari.*)
Bieber: AW SNAP we gettin’ Fast ‘n Furious up in herr! Yo watch me crack uh-hunnit up in this cul-de-sac.
Crew Member 1: Yo Jay man you such a talented driver, dawg. You like Vin Diesel but with an angel voice and truth in yo eyes that just tells me that errthang’s gon’ be okay, like includin’ right now how you literally doin’ a straight century on tha MPH but you won’t let us wear seatbelts.
Bieber: I told y’all that seatbelts ain’t real. We real up in herr we feel the speed!
Crew Member 1: I know dawg and erry rational part of me be sayin’, “Yo, get out the car you gon’ die this ain’t worth it he don’t love you,” but then I just look at you ‘n trust in you and impart my mind, body, and soul to yo wisdom.
Bieber: (*not listening*) Man, drivin’ hella fast on the block is fun, but I wish my moms would let me take my ride out on the highway. Does she think I’m not brave enough?
Crew Member 2: Naw Jay that ain’t it. She knows you the bravest that ever was. You so brave the way you show the world yo new sick dance moves all the time, ‘n how you share yo soul through your deep ass lyrics. You tha bravest, dawg. You could prolly, like be drivin’ on the highway all fast while pullin some new sick nasty emotional dance moves AND fightin’ a big ass bear. That’s how brave you are. You my dancin’ knight, yo.
Bieber: Yeah, that’s prolly right. (*laughs*) Yo that bear better watch out too cuz I can dance ‘n fight at the same time I got that ROUND HOUSE KICK DANCE SWAG!
Crew Member 1: Ohhhh! Jay’s moves be deadly yo!
Bieber: Yo let’s go back to tha crib so you can tell me how fly my round house moves is while I do ’em for y’all.
(*Bieber floors it, his Ferrari SPEEDS down the neighborhood. He flies past former NFL wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson, who has his child in tow. Keyshawn is incensed. He takes his child home and tracks down Bieber, in a Prius. He stands at the gate, shouting for Bieber to come out. Inside, Justin watches in horror, having so rarely dealt with anyone who has ever displayed anger towards him.*)
–Inside Justin Bieber’s House–
Bieber: (*scared*) Wh-wh-why’s that big man yellin’ up at my house?
Bodyguard: Jay he’s pissed off because you were drivin’ way too fast in the neighborhood again.
Bieber: B-b-but I was just showin’ errbody in the hood how fly my ride is.
Crew Member 1: It’s SO fly Jay. And they all appreciate it.
Bodyguard: Hey, naw, don’t be tellin’ him that. Jay they don’t like it when you drive that fast. Remember last week when you ran over that family’s cat, how sad you made them?
Bieber: But then I sang them that song I wrote called “Pussy Heaven” ’bout they cat bein’ wiff God now cuz I prayed on it ‘n God always answers my prayers cuz we crazy tight.
Crew Member 1: That’s how you got that heavenly soft skin, yo. You don’t even need lotion but I’m straight honored to put it on you anyways.
Bodyguard: Jay, you sang that song to they little kids, man. You can’t be singin’ the word “pussy” to no kids.
Bieber: I meant like a cat!
Bodyguard: Yeah but your dance moves you did with the song kinda sent a mixed message.
Crew Member 2: YOU CAN’T CONTAIN THE SEXY ENERGY OF JAY’S MOVES EVEN IF THEY INNOCENT! THAT SHIT PER-ME-ATES! PREPARE YO-SELF ACCORDINGLY!
Bieber: But I got them a new cat too!
Bodyguard: No, dawg, you bought them a snow leopard. They got little kids, Jay! They can’t be keepin’ a damn predator in the house. Plus this is Cali. This ain’t no place for an arctic cat!
Crew Member 1: You can’t be holdin’ Jay responsible just cuz some dumbass family don’t wanna upgrade they pet! Jay, dawg, yo snow leopard gift was elegant as fuck.
Bodyguard: Jay I think you need to go apologize to Keyshawn.
Bodyguard: You need to tell Keyshawn you’re sorry for drivin’ like you did.
(*Bieber stares blankly back at his bodyguard*)
Bodyguard (CONT): That’s that thing people do when they bring you food but it ain’t the right temperature and you don’t want your tongue to hurt or get too chilly, you know?
Crew Member 2: Or remember how I did it that one time when you said I didn’t make you look fly enough in that picture I drew of you?
Bieber: YOU DIDN’T!
Crew Member 2 (*starts crying*) Jay I know that was seven months ago but dawg I’m still so sorry yo.
Bieber: It’s coo, just remember to draw my kicks platinum colored next time.
Crew Member 2: You have the kindness of a thousand angels Jay.
Bodyguard: Oh damn, Keyshawn hopped the fence.
Bieber: (*crying hysterically*) Please God let any uh these mothufuckas die but me! Sacrifice yo-selves!
Crew Member 1: I got you Jay. See you in the next life, dawg.
(*The Crew Members mentally prepare themselves for death. Justin Bieber wets his pants and sprints to his panic room*)
That seems about right. Someone please beat the shit out of this kid.
Hall of Fame running back Eric Dickerson is pissed at the Biebs too.
I live in Calabasas too and @justinbieber needs to slow his ass down.
— Eric Dickerson (@EricDickerson) May 28, 2013
You sir, are a fine and upstanding gentleman.