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Keep Your Laws Off My Penis!

A man’s penis is his most sacred vessel. It is, in fact, the very essence of his manhood. A man celebrates his penis. He tussles its mane, massages its shaft at a medium to fast pace at least six times a day, and when no one is looking he lets it fly free in the summer breeze like a windsock atop a Nantucket lighthouse.

A man’s own penis is very special to him. So to see big government trying to regulate my body, my penis, well that’s just outrageous. It just won’t do!

The debate over women’s reproductive health is now hitting men right where it counts. A bill that would prevent men from having vasectomies unless it was to avoid serious injury or death was filed in the Missouri House of Representatives this week.

How dare you, Missouri House of Representatives. Who are you to tell me the circumstances of when I’m allowed to clothespin my penis!?! It’s my penis! And I will clamp it shut with a clothespin, or a zip tie, or one of those black metal paper clips if I damn well please!

(*editor comes into office, gives quick explanation of vasectomies*)

How dare you try to tell me when I’m allowed to block my vas deferens! They’re my vas deferens, and I’ll put an old fashioned wooden clothespin on them whenever I Goddamn feel like it.

(*editor comes back into office, makes it abundantly clear that old fashioned wooden clothespins are in no way involved in vasectomies*)

Well…however they block vas deferens, it’s my right to decide if I want them blocked or not! Incidentally I’ve also decided that “Chaz Deferens” is the new alias I’m going to give people when I don’t feel like letting them know my real name.

So who is this pencil pushing politician who’s trying to legislate my man tubes?

Representative Stacey Newman calls herself a member of the “Silent Seven.” She is one of seven democratic women who stood on the house floor for seven hours last week waiting to speak on the birth control issue.

Those seven women were never allowed to speak, so Newman is now speaking out in her own way.

“A vasectomy shall only be performed to avert the death of the man or avert serious risk,” or so says House Bill 1853 introduced on Wednesday by Newman.

A woman!?!? A PENIS-LESS WOMAN!!!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me!?! I don’t care if she’s got a clit the length of a Twizzler, she doesn’t have a dick and therefore cannot possibly comprehend the importance of a man’s domain over his own genitalia.

Well guess what lady, this is America. That’s right, The United States of America. Where penises stand tall and proud like the mighty redwoods. Where they roam free like the majestic wild stallion. You can’t chain American penises down with your crooked politician’s tricks anymore than you can chain down the eagle that soars above the amber waves of grain.

This will not stand.

Keep your laws off my penis.

***

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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