The Major League Baseball playoffs officially began last night, and the TFM Tech Guy is still drunk and celebrating his Pirates’ win. Seriously, he’s been trying to piss on anything that’s “red” for the better part of an hour. In an amusing coincidence, the intern wore salmon colored shorts in today, and apparently that’s close enough for the Tech Guy. We’ll see how that plays out, but if the site crashes today, blame the Tech Guy’s drunken inattentiveness.
Along with the MLB playoffs, or any playoffs for that matter, are a litany of previews from every sporting outlet imaginable. Sports Illustrated, of course, did a preview in their most recent issue. The cover of said issue is a little odd, however. On it, there are three Uptons. It might just be me, but I’m not really sure that more than two of them belong there.
Why is B.J. Upton on this cover? Justin Upton I get. He’s one of the Braves’ most important players. Justin finished fourth in the National League in home runs and has been a key contributor all year, despite some cold stretches. But B.J. Upton? B.J. Upton finished the year with a triple slash line of .184/.268/.289. That’s roughly the output you’d expect from the blind equipment manager a high school baseball team let take a few ABs in their last game of his senior season. B.J. Upton’s season strikeout total nearly matched his batting average. I’m actually convinced that there are literally people reading this website that could match that output, and for about 1/100000000 the price. Kate Upton I get, because bewbs.
All three have the last name Upton, two of these people, at best, deserve to grace the SI cover.
Simply put, B.J. Upton will be powering the Braves to nothing, no matter what the Braves actually accomplish this postseason, despite what the question on the cover poses. That’s because B.J. Upton likely will not be starting a game, but rather used mostly as a pinch runner and late inning defensive replacement for Evan Gattis, who will by then need to replenish his energy by consuming a chained goat left for him in the parking lot.
Sports Illustrated KNOWS that B.J. Upton won’t be powering the Braves to anything, yet they just willingly ignored a blatant and obvious sports fact for the sake of gratuitously throwing some sweet, sweet Kate Upton action on their cover.
And you know what? I’m cool with it. Dammit she looks good in a Braves uniform.