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I once wrote that watching Justin Bieber’s ever increasing ridiculousness had to be similar to what it was like to watch Michael Jackson’s early descent into creepy lunacy. I was wrong. After seeing pictures of Justin Bieber being carried up the Great Wall of China on the shoulders of his bodyguards, there is now no doubt in my mind that watching Justin Bieber’s life unfold is what it must have been like throughout ancient, medieval, and pre-Industrial Revolution history to observe and hear tales of the outrageously spoiled childhood of some soft, temperamental boy-king. For all we know, Bieber is the second coming of Tutankhamun, or more likely Louis XV. Everything Bieber does just screams whiny French brat. Plus he’s Canadian, which is close enough.
Here’s another picture of Bieber being carried up the Great Wall of China like a frail young monarch whose constitution has been drained because a servant forgot to pack his parasol on a hot day.
And here’s how, I assume, all of this played out.
Bieber: I’m tellin’ y’all! When I gots my fly ass swag castle finally built up, Imma have a wall JUST like ‘dis. ‘Cept it’ll be keepin’ shawtys in ‘steada keepin’ monkey-lions out.
Bodyguard: Yo, Jay…uh, it’s Mongolians, man. The Chinese built up this wall to keep out Mongolians.
Bieber: Fool, ‘deese China people didn’t build no hella giant wall to keep out the other China people ‘dat be barbecuin’ fo ‘dem. (*Laughs*) Yeah, right, one day ‘dey was like, “Yo I straight up HATE grilt Chicken now, let’s use our ancient China science to build a billion foot wall to keep ‘dat shit out.” ‘Dey built ‘dis damn thing ‘cuz some crazy ass monkeys with lion heads and sharp ass claws ‘dat only live in China jungles was tryin’ to get at ’em ‘n eat ‘dey babies ‘n shit. You wanna get rid of a cook you just say, “EY! Get duh FUCK out my house yo! And don’t be smellin’ on my underwear like I know you was,” ‘n ‘den you just tell yo bodyguards to keep an eye out fo ’em. I know. I have to do ‘dat shit all tha time. But you wanna keep monkey-lions from gettin’ at you??? Shiiiiit. You needta build a thick ass wall like ‘dis mofo ‘n ‘den some. I know if some monkey-lions was tryin’ to get at my swag castle I’d be havin’ sick walls wiff laser beams and mothufuckin’ robots wiff Jedi swords chillin’ on ’em, bein’ like, “Come at me you crazy ass monkey-lions. You ain’t gon’ be eatin’ science ‘dis fly.”
Crew Member 1: Damn Jay, ‘dat’s a sick ass plan, yo. If only dose po’ ass ancient China people had yo visionary science mind to keep ’em safe, maybe some-uh ‘dose babies ‘dat got ate by monkey-lions woulda lived.
Bieber: (Sincerely) Yo, y’all think ‘dem ancient China babies ‘dat got ate up by monkey-lions woulda been Beliebers, like Anne Frank woulda been?
Crew Member 2: Jay, ‘dey all Beliebers now, up ‘n heaven ‘n shit, where the sickest DJs of history are bumpin’ yo shit in da club 24/7. Don’t matter if some crazy ass monkey-lions straight ate ‘dey face off or if some fly dressed Nazis made ’em go campin’ til they died yo. You inspire ghosts ‘n angels alike wiff yo rhymes ‘n beats ‘n smooth dance moves ‘dat make me feel a tingle ‘dat lets me know my own soul is dancin’ right up inside me, right up in my pants. So hard.
Bodyguard: Man, ain’t none of what any of y’all just said even close to being, like, even ten percent accurate. I’m just sayin’ Jay, y’all sound ignorant.
Bieber: What’s ignorant is all ‘deese stairs, yo! My legs are gettin’ crazy tired.
Crew Member 1: Jay is yo legs okay!?!?! ‘Dey need a massage!?! I will literally take yo pants off and massage whateva you need me to, no questions asked, no judgment given, ‘cuz only God can judge ‘n he ain’t gon’ hate on a playa who gives a massage to help out his flyest angel livin’ down up herr on Earff. I ain’t gon’ let NOTHIN’ happen to the instruments of dance ‘dat inspired a generation to be swaggy as all hell. It’s like each one-uh yo legs is a hero on its own. Just like yo face ‘n yo abs plus yo fly tats. Jay, you be like Voltron, dawg. Each part of you is a different hero.
Bieber: Nah nah my legs is cool, ‘dey just tired.
Crew Member 2: (to the Bodyguard) YO! You want his legs to fall off on ‘dis dumbass wall?! Carry his ass!
Bodyguard: First off, you tell me what to do again and I’m gonna beat yo ass. Second, somebody, (*Looks at Bieber*) said just last week that we should throw out his special made BieberBJöRN because he’d outgrown it. Now that somebody wants to be carried again?
Bieber: Well damn! If I had known we was gonna be walkin’ up some crazy ass wall all day I mighta told you to keep it.
Bodyguard: Jay, you a grown ass man. Just walk the wall.
Bieber: I CAN’T YO! Okay!??! I can’t!. My legs is weak as hell right now ‘n I don’ know if Imma haffta put on a dance show to prove my flyness to any China haters! Plus my blood sugar is crazy low ‘cuz I think that candied scorpion I ate at the street market had diabetes poison! (*Starts stomping feet, crying*) An’ my feet hurt ‘n ‘dis is makin’ dem hurt mo’ ‘n I hate ‘dis place ‘n I told y’all to just have hologram me do ‘dis dumbass China concert ‘cuz ‘den I could stay at home ‘n play XBox plus show off my science skillz! I hate ‘dis!
Crew Member 1: (Crying) Jay, seein’ you in ‘dis pain hurts me so deep. I feel like we connected yo, ‘n right now, I just feel up inside you. Jay I can’t take it no mo’. Let’s just hold hands ‘n jump off ‘dis wall, down onto ‘dem jagged ass rocks. We could go into the next life together ‘n chill wiff yo biggest fan Anne Frank ‘n all the babies ‘dat got ate by monkey-lions ‘n leave ‘dis pain behind. Start a new life. Together. In heaven. What you say dawg?
Bieber: (Sniffles) Maybe ‘dat don’ sound so bad…
Bodyguard: Oh Goddammit. Fine! Hop up on my shoulder. Yo Mike, come here man, we gotta carry Jay. His feet hurt.
Bodyguard 2 (*Puts out cigarette, shakes head*) Fuckin’ of course we do. I told you not to throw out the BieberBJöRN.
Bodyguard: I know, I know.