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Just Take All Of My Money Lavar And Lonzo Ball

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Dammit, Balls. Just when I spent my entire tax return on Big Baller Brand tees, hoodies, and snapback hats, you went and flipped the entire sneaker game on its head. How am I supposed to resist those kicks? And the slides? Looks like I’m dropping another $715 before tax and shipping…right…now. Done. Purchased.

These things are gonna go flying off the shelves. Honestly surprised they weren’t already sold out. Was fully expecting to be put on a waiting list, but I guess I got in early enough. Weird. Hopefully this isn’t a computer glitch. Nope. It already hit my bank account. Cool. I can’t wait to rock the Triple Bs on my feet. But like not out or on an actual basketball court. Can’t risk scuffing up that type of freshness. And I don’t want the insole to fade so wearing them at all is really out of the question. Maybe I can just stare at ’em. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll keep them in the box and pop it open occasionally. But not too, too much. Don’t forget potential light damage. Fuck it. Those things are staying sealed for good.

They’re more of an investment than a useable, viewable sneaker anyway. If people are dropping a couple grand on Kanye’s you have to think the market for these things is clearing at least five figures. All I have to do is kick back and watch these appreciate in value by the second. It’s going to be a rough few weeks before then, though. Ol’ bank account ain’t looking too hot right now. How’s my line of credit? Yikes. Hmm. Uber is always an opti…right. This is Austin. Damn you, Producer Micah. Selling plasma it is. That’s just the price you have to pay to live the Big Baller Brand lifestyle. Totally worth it.

Image via Big Baller Brand

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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