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Mad Men star (and St. Louisan and Mizzou alum, ahem) Jon Hamm has a giant dick. You know the old, “It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple,” big dick analogy? Yeah, no, not Jon Hamm’s dick. Jon Hamm’s dick is more like John Cena’s arm palming a pumpkin. If Jon Hamm was a rookie in the Texas Rangers minor league system, they’d need an entire 25 man roster just to jack him off. The veterans would have to ask the clubhouse attendants to hold him down. Jon Hamm’s dick is so big that his group sex looks more like the crew of an all-female pirate ship trying to keep the mast steady than it does an actual orgy.
The whole world was more or less aware of Hamm’s greatness, because, well, how could they not be? Disguising it would be like trying to hide the pyramids. This was apparently not something Jon Hamm was happy about, however. In a 2014 interview with Rolling Stone the star vented about his privates being public knowledge.
(By the way, the best case for Jon Hamm not actually packing a Chunnel Plug is that Rolling Stone says he is.)
“They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal … But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.”
Let’s be fair, Jon. Your backyard is your own private property too, but if you start building a rocket ship back there people are going to notice.
These days, though, ole Hammer Dick has come around to the idea of the world knowing that he’s hung like a draft horse…’s neck. He is at peace with his piece being public knowledge. He explained as much to GQ Australia, who named him International Man of the Decade (for reasons discussed, I assume).
“It was a topic of fascination for other people, certainly not me,” Hamm explained. “By the way, as rumors go — not the worst.”
They say finding true inner peace is accepting who you are. I’m glad Jon Hamm finally came to terms with the fact that the world knows his dick is a replanted California Redwood. Must’ve been tough..