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Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel is as well known for his off field antics as he is for his on field dominance. In fact, the guy dominates life off the field and is just as likely to have on field antics. Say what you want about Johnny Football, but at least he’s consistent with his behavior. There are no lines. That consistency leads me to believe that Manziel is actually pretty self-aware. Between his new touchdown celebration and, well, basically everything he says, it’s becoming clearer to me that Manziel is trolling the world, because fuck us, right? That’s how I’d feel if I were him.
The latest little Johnny Manziel antic comes in the form of a simple question he answered in what should have been an innocuous video for Texas A&M’s athletic department. Of course, I think we’re all aware by this point that it’s impossible for Johnny Manziel not do something noteworthy, either by choice or simply by virtue of his natural affinity to be noticed. Regardless, Manziel didn’t disappoint. He never does.
Perhaps the best part of Manziel’s answer is that he knew it right away. “Who are three of the most fucked up people I can name?” thought Manziel. He pretty much hit the nail on the head. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great answer, but I wonder, if it was serious, if Manziel knows what he’s getting into. This isn’t fucking Drake you’d be partying with, Johnny. There aren’t going to be any slap fights with abusive boyfriends or thrown bottles injuring Frenchmen, at least not after the pregame in Charlie Sheen’s sex dungeon. If Manziel thinks partying with the world’s biggest fair weather fan is hardcore, he’s probably not prepared to rage with his ideal trifecta. Let me paint a picture of what a night out with Charlie Sheen, Rob Gronkowski, and Tiger Woods would be like:
– As mentioned, the chlamydia-having quartet begins their night with a pregame in Charlie Sheen’s sex dungeon. Sheen stoically puffs on a cigar and watches a gaggle of dominatrixes torture/pleasure his accountant. Tiger has already masturbated twice and taken out 6k from the ATM in Charlie Sheen’s dungeon. He’s haggling with one of the prostitutes Sheen has paid to serve them margaritas. Gronk breaks one of the prostitute’s feet after Gronk spiking an empty Busch tallboy he brought for himself. Johnny is already a little worried.
– Sheen pays the hookers to do a line of coke each off a panda bear’s erection. Tiger masturbates again. Gronk has already bedded two prostitutes, for free, on a bed made partially of the last panda bear Sheen owned.
– The foursome hops on a private jet bound for Albania. Three times, en route, Sheen tries to crash the plane because he thought he saw a goblin on the wing. Gronk wrestles Sheen to the ground and tells him that he’s cut off from blow for the next two hours. Aroused by the possibility of death, Tiger masturbates in the plane’s bathroom. Johnny hears him while waiting to pee and decides to hold it until they get to Albania. He also decides that this entire night was a terrible idea.
– After landing in Albania, the group meets up with Drake, who Gronk immediately punches in the face. Drake cries.
– At an Albanian discotheque Sheen purchased while on a twelve-day blackout bender during the filming of Navy Seals, Manziel hits the dance floor to meet women. He starts dancing with an attractive, 17-year-old Swiss girl. Unfortunately, Tiger decides to sandwich the girl, and then expose himself. The girl runs off terrified. Tiger tells Manziel they should find “another hole to two putt.” His penis is still out. Manziel runs away in horror.
– Manziel tries to explain to Sheen that he needs to leave, but Sheen is busy playing Russian roulette with a pointy-bearded, red suited man sitting across the table from him. In the middle of the table is a large stack of money and a piece of paper with “Charlie Sheen’s Soul” written on it in Sharpie. No explanation is offered. Drake is crying in the corner.
– The red suited man blows his brains out. Drake wets his pants. Gronk high fives a maniacally laughing Sheen before Gronk spiking the pistol. Tiger is still on the dance floor, masturbating openly.
– Charlie Sheen stands over his discotheque on the VIP balcony, shouts something about being immortal, and orders everyone on the dance floor to take their clothes off or he’ll “start shitting goblins.” Tiger is already three steps ahead.
– Gronk fathers five children on the dance floor. A new STD mutates inside of Tiger’s urethra. He gives it to Drake as a joke. Drake cries, and now has only four months to live. Manziel frantically tries to call his parents to book him a flight home, but all cell service is down.
– A bored Sheen lights the discotheque on fire. Manziel, Gronk, a hysterically crying Drake, and Tiger barely escape. Sheen is assumed dead, along with hundreds of others.
– On the plane ride home, no one talks to anyone. Drake’s soft sobbing is the only noise in the cabin.
– The plane lands, and Charlie Sheen is waiting for them on the runway. He announces that the after party is at his house. Drake is not invited. Manziel declines the invite, but they force him to go anyway.
– Out of fear and whatever Sheen put in Manziel’s drink, Johnny Football blacks out.
– Manziel wakes up the next morning in his own bed, not sure if everything that happened was a dream or real. He soon has his answer when he finds Drake’s severed head on the pillow next to him.
– Johnny Manziel starts studying really hard, gets straight A’s, spends his free time in the film room, and gives his life over to Jesus.
– Johnny Manziel flops in the NFL.
Do not party with those people, Johnny. Stay. Away.