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Jimbo Fisher Banned His Players From Going To Bars Because They Can’t Stop Punching Women

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We could’ve never predicted the accuracy of Jameis Winston’s famous “I said, we said, I said we ‘scrong'” postgame interview. If anything, these past two weeks have taught us that the Florida State strength and conditioning coach does a helluva job.

Jimbo’s roving gang of mentally defective thugs has struck again. This time the suspect is another star player.

Coach Fisher is sure that this will be the last time, though. After OG (original genius) De’Andre Johnson was caught on video throwing away his Florida State scholarship with one blow, his buddy and battery mate Dalvin Cook figured he’d join in on the fun and repeatedly beat the crap out of some poor woman outside of yet another bar. After this latest incident, though, Jimbo came to the conclusion that something must be in the alcohol, and banned his players from going out.

As the citizens of Tallahassee celebrated the inmates return to lock-up, Cook’s alleged victim gave an interview to ESPN which lines up perfectly with everything you’d expect of a Florida State football player and the Tallahassee Police Department.

Sadly, despite their best efforts, Florida State still has a few more criminal charges to go before they become legitimate contenders for the Fulmer Cup.

Stay scrong, FSU.

Image via YouTube

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Bogey Wells

Bogey Wells is a Senior Freelance Writer for TFM News and a former summer pledge intern at TFMHQ. His Spotify playlists are pure garbage. Email:

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