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Jay Z and Kanye Are Beefing And Now I’m Having An Existential Crisis

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jay-z kanye beef

My world is crumbling. I can’t sleep at night. Food has no taste. I feel numb. I can no long see colors. I’m constantly exhausted. I can’t get boners anymore. My entire universe is shattering before my eyes and I’m constantly on the brink of pouring bleach into a shot glass while slitting my wrist with a very, very, very sharp pencil while nude in a bathtub in Florida (I don’t even live in Florida; I’m so depressed that I’m willing to travel to Florida)

I’m going through a full-blown, horrifically miserable existential crisis. Why? Because Ye and Hov are beefing, and nothing makes sense anymore. And while most TFM readers would probably love to see me kill myself (I’m probably gonna wait until after Avatar 2 comes out ‘cause I do wanna see that), this is a real issue.

For those of you that don’t know the full story, I’ll sum it up. Back when Kanye was a young producer, an aspiring rapper, and a slightly humbler (but not really, though) man, Jay Z gave him his start. They began a loving friendship that moved mountains. They took romantic vacations together in Paris. They wrote and filmed The Dark Knight together under the fake name Christopher Nolan. They killed Osama Bin Laden together. They caught the Zodiac killer together then framed Ted Cruz.

It was a beautiful partnership that inspired us all. Kanye wrote a tribute track about Jay in 2007 called Big Brother and in 2011, they made the album Watch The Throne together; an album so epic that you need a jizz rag handy when you listen to it. The government doesn’t want you to know that the song “Ni**as In Paris” actually cures cancer.

That all changed a few days ago. While performing live on his Saint Pablo tour, Ye ranted and took stray shots at Jay Z, complaining about things such as annoying “Tidal/Apple bullshit,” music politics in general, and the fact that Jay didn’t come to his side when his wife got robbed. He said the much-hyped Watch The Throne 2 has been cancelled. Rumor has it that halfway through the rant he briefly paused to go interrupt Taylor Swift somewhere (… he said 7 years after that reference was relevant).

Since then, rumors have popped up that Jay Z reportedly “can’t stand” Kanye and his wacky shenanigans anyway, and rumors that (GASP) their friendship is only for business. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I haven’t been this disgusted since last time I read one of my own articles.

Has my whole life been a lie? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Is this how children of divorce feel?! Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure this feeling isn’t EXACTLY the same as being a little kid and watching your parents fight over who has to get custody of the kids because neither of them wants to deal with you or your annoying brother Terrence. Hell no — this is way worse.

Image via Everett Collection /

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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