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I’ve Never Puked From Drinking Because I’m A Damn Superhero

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Ladies and gentlemen, I am not like you. I am not like any of you. I am special, gifted, divine. These past couple years I have realized that I am not of this world. I was born with a magical, superhuman power beyond my wildest dreams. No matter how much I drink, I never throw up. Please, hold your applause.

I’ve had nights where I drank like a 2006 Mel Gibson without the anti-semitism, and I never got sick. Sure I get hangovers, but I don’t throw up. Not a single time. I’ve had nights where I was blackout drunk. The type of drunk where you make horrifically regrettable decisions, act belligerent and you gotta do damage control for all your stupidity the next day. I’ve had many of those nights. But I didn’t vomit once. Scientists are baffled. They obsessively study me trying to figure out what makes me such a modern Greek god but with these mysterious, mystical powers.

I don’t know how this happened. Maybe there was some sort of life-changing incident that I don’t remember. Maybe as a child I slipped into a radioactive pile of vomit. I may have suppressed that memory, but, whether you like it or not, I’m a damn superhero. Give me a mask, a cape, and a suspiciously homoerotic sidekick, and I’ll go fight some crime.

I’m still torn of which superhero group I should become a member of. Each squad has its pros and cons. I could join the Justice League. I’d get to share the stage with some of the all-time greats like Batman, Superman, and even Wonder Woman (a certified dime, by the way). BUT, I’ve heard internet rumors that The Flash is a little too touchy, and the stench on Aquaman is unbearable.

I could also join The Avengers, but half of those assholes don’t even half superpowers. Iron Man doesn’t have powers, he’s just rich. That one dude played by Jeremy Renner in the movies just has a fucking bow and arrow. Pathetic. And The Incredible Hulk definitely doesn’t have any superpowers, he’s clearly just a man who needs therapy. Sad.

So maybe I could join the X-Men. I mean I technically am a mutant. But there’s WAY too many goddamn X-Men. I’d just get lost in the shuffle and get stuck on the sideline. God knows I deserve to be front and center. Plus hanging around Hugh Jackman is just going to emasculate me. So I guess I should probably just roll solo. But one thing is for damn sure, I need to remember what that Spiderman jackwagon said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Look, I know you’re jealous. Don’t worry, I get it. I would be jealous of me, too. I didn’t choose this life, it chose me. I just have to use my powers for good.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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