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It’s Way Too Early To Be Celebrating Christmas, You Impatient Jerks

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christmas music

There is an epidemic that comes around every year as soon as the clock strikes midnight on Halloween. An epidemic that drives white girls and content-stealing twitter accounts like “Common White Girl” crazy.

As soon as October 31 ends, 90% of the internet joins in on the same hivemind activity: the tweeting of “OMG IT’S CHRISTMAS!” memes and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” The latter, by the way, is an awful song; overplayed, overhyped, and, as of recent years, waaaaaaay over-tweeted. If you wanna hit me with a Christmas song that is great, can be sang along to by everybody in the world, and isn’t belted out by somebody married to Nick Cannon, you throw “Jingle Bell Rock” my way; I will sing that shit all day. Only after Thanksgiving, though, because I am a mature adult who adheres to a realistic timeline of holidays and when to start celebrating them.

That brings me to my main point: it’s time to stop hyping up Christmas when it is still more than a month away.

Examples of this scourge on society:

I could search for more examples, but I might throw up or kill myself. You know what tweets I’m talking about.

I am pleading with you all to stop for the betterment of human society. November is not Christmas time. Christmas comes in December, which in fact is not November; science is crazy like that. November is home to another Holiday, a holiday that sadly is overlooked by premature “Merry Chrysler’s” and early Elf references: Thanksgiving, a holiday that celebrates eating a meal. Let me repeat for the folks caught up in videos of people dancing to that Mariah Carey shitpile song: a holiday dedicated to eating until you physically have to unbutton your pants because you are so bloated but then continuing to eat because that mashed potato volcano is going to destroy the small town of Turkeyville unless you eat it all.

So let’s review: stop fake-celebrating Christmas, you uneducated swine. Appreciate Thanksgiving and all its glory. Mariah Carey sucks.

Image via Shutterstock

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Grill Master Flex

Just your run of the mill go to barbecue guy

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