It’s Monday Morning And The Girl I Shacked With Friday Won’t Leave

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I broke the oldest rule in the book. It’s one that yours truly has spent a lot of time and energy upholding when initiating a casual encounter with the opposite sex. This is the very predicament that I had vowed to avoid. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I made the catastrophic decision to permit a lady friend an opportunity to spend the night.

That was Friday evening, and yet here I am waking up on a Monday morning and guess who’s still here? Apparently, she has nowhere to be? No class. No work. No extracurriculars of any sort. And even more alarming, it appears that she has no intentions of leaving.

I already know what you’re going to say. Why not just kick her out? This isn’t at all the hostage situation in which you paint it to be, you overdramatic fool. That’s easy to say, innocent bystander. I wish it were that simple, but there are so many more layers to the situation.

First, we have to account for the obvious: I’m what the kids call a “bitch boy.” I don’t have the heart to show a woman the door before she’s ready. The type of indifference for someone else’s feelings needed for this situation is just not in my DNA.

Next, we have to account for the politics of the situation. This particular individual runs in some pretty influential circles on campus. Giving her the boot too soon would surely reflect poorly in my postgame report with colleagues. On the flip side, letting her stick around for more than the weekend will also send the wrong message. Yes, she needs to go. This is not a fact that I will argue. However, I’m still trying to play the game, and that becomes vastly more difficult with a trashed reputation.

Finally, this is kind of a pretty big ego boost. Certainly, I am alarmed that she hasn’t taken a hint, but it is also quite flattering if you think about it. Either my dickgame is off the charts or this broad is head over heels into my personality (definitely the first one). Or she’s homeless. I’ll take it regardless.

So what is the solution? Obviously, I would like to be able to do my own thing now. The weekend is over, time for me to have my own time, please. We’ve already established that sacking up and asking her to leave isn’t really my thing. And as much as I would like to remain civil, I’m in far too deep to land on any sort of positive ending. Truthfully, I’m much more concerned than flattered but flattered nonetheless.

All facts considered, there’s only one way I know how to handle this. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the best way to handle situations is to avoid them entirely. On that note, I’m going to sneak out the house and just pray that she is gone when I return this evening. Godspeed, me.

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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