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Despite the collective cliché peddled about in popular media, the common core to any relationship is not communication. While that may seem heretic to say, when you truly arrive at the basal level of any human bond, you find that it is, in fact, trust that is the foundational factor. You have to believe that the person you are with shares the same feelings that you do, and since it’s impossible to truly know what any other person is feeling besides yourself, you have to put in faith that the person you’ve committed to is on equal footing. Communication is merely the conduit through which this exchange occurs.
When one person breaks this trust by cheating, whatever faith you put into the relationship evaporates. It’s a poison for human interaction, and no matter how hard you may try to recover that trust, it’s gone for good. This is why you can never really take back a cheater; saying that things can go back to being the same is pure delusion.
But we as people like to assign blame. Frequently, it’s not even the act that makes us so upset, it’s what it represents. The shattering of your faith-based trust in equal investment is what cuts the deepest, and so you need to know why that person acted the way they did. This is where the matter of fault comes into play.
I’ve never cheated on another person before, but if I did, I imagine that I would assume the responsibility. I committed the act, the fault lies on my shoulders. This seems logical. It’s an idea of bearing justifiable guilt that seems appropriate. However, in practice, this guilt is what many of the offenders seem unable to accept. Unfortunately for men, when the opposing genders begin to argue, it’s nearly always the women who get what they want. And in this case, if a girl doesn’t want to feel guilty, then she won’t.
Trust me when I say that trying to find out the root cause of the infidelity is a trap. No matter the circumstances, the clearly poor choices, or the mangled manifestations of her actions, she will find a way to ultimately place the blame back on you. You weren’t supportive enough. You didn’t consider how she felt about the circumstances. You all but forced her to find someone else. And you better not be trying to tell her who she should be spending time with.
In the end, I promise it will all come back to you eventually. Somehow she’s the one that cheated but you’re the one ending up feeling like a piece of shit. That’s why I advocate a strict cut-and-run policy for these situations.
When your partner goes out for some extracurricular activity and you find out, don’t even bother trying to get an explanation. You can’t mend what’s already been broken, and hashing out the reasons why will only leave you feeling like the guilty party. The real power play here is to walk away in a clean break, even if you’d like to get some sort of admission of guilt. It will be convoluted and unsatisfactory, and not at all what you want. In the words of the great intellect K CAMP, “It ain’t nothing to cut that bitch off.”
So remember, it doesn’t matter who actually cheated. Those are simple semantics that have no bearing on the truth at hand. The truth that, ultimately, it’s always your fault. And that’s just the way life works..