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Poor Halloween. It used to be known as the one day of the where you could dress up as a giant dick and balls, get blackout drunk and still get laid by a slutty cupcake. Now, thanks to the hyper-sensitive and politically correct crowd out there, you’ve got to ask yourself questions like “Is it offensive if this dick and balls costume is light-skinned?”
So to help you stay out of hot water with the PC fun-killers, universities around the nation are issuing guidelines via flowcharts to help you decide if your costume is racist or not.
Here’s the TL;DR version: Sombrero? Racist. Mustache? Racist. Afro? Racist. Chopsticks? Racist. White piece of paper? Racist.
I’ll start with my favorite flowchart, brought to you by the good people at the NC State University.
When you see a flowchart that deems dressing up as Hitler a notch below blackface then you know you’re in for a rollercoaster of a read. One is a group of people, the other murdered 6 million Jews. Hmm.
This next one is brought to you by State University of New York at Geneseo:
Up yours, Geneseo. Pilgrim bros and Nava-hoes is a great party theme and I ain’t changing it.
Wesleyan has similar guidelines with experts on call for you to ask if your costume is culturally sensitive enough.
— El Hermano (@ElHermanoAmigo) October 30, 2015
“Um, hello? Yeah, I’m thinking of going as a ghost. Don’t wear a white sheet? Ok. What about a black sheet? No? Grey? Clear? Rainbow? Ok. I’ll stay in for Halloween. Thank you.”
Here’s a look at Hampshire College’s:
So in bullet point no. 2, you’re saying I can go as a Mexican, but no one else can if they’re not Mexican? Sucks to suck, Louisville’s president.
Basically all the guidelines say the same thing: If you’re going to be someone else for Halloween, try not to be racist, but your costume will still probably be racist.
These guidelines apply to everyone, not just college students. Well, except for Ellen Degeneres. She’s a hoot!
This is why I’m just gonna go as a slutty cupcake..