Is She Worth It? The Girlfriend Test

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When thinking about the typical American/Fraternity Dream, one of the last things you’d expect from a boisterous (see: perpetually shitfaced and philandering) fraternity man is a committed relationship. Slaying both freshmen and Natural Light by the dozen isn’t exactly girlfriend compatible behavior. But fear not, because there are actually a few qualities that can make any slampiece worth promoting from “Tuesday Night, if I’m drunk” to potential exclusive girlfriend status. It’s no easy task and girls who fit the bill are few and far between, but if you stumble upon one of these gems at least take note before you pass her by for a girl who is less worthy and far more willing.

Is she an underclassmen? Are you an upperclassmen?

If the answer to either of these questions is “No,” you’ve got a lot of ground to make up before this girl will actually be worth it. First of all, it’s fairly common knowledge that the best looking, most in shape, morally loosened, eager to please you girls are the freshmen at the bottom of the collegiate totem pole. It’s a scientific fact. So, naturally if you‘re looking to bite the bullet and create a perma-shacker, you want to make sure she’s physically primed to perform. Of course, there are a few exceptions to this rule (upperclassmen who get fake tits for their 21st birthday for instance), but for the most part younger is the way to go.

However, if you are still a freshman or sophomore yourself, DON’T FUCKING DO IT! Your first two years of college are reserved for behaving like a fucking conquering barbarian. Drink, pillage and slam! What’s the best way to spoil all that? A girlfriend! Read a history book. Girlfriends HATE pillaging. You only get 4 years of college. Unless you meet someone that is really worth the commitment, you’re better off spending your days raging. Besides, you have the whole rest of your life to sleep with one woman. Might as well employ the octopus strategy, and get as many feelers out there as you can. You’ll be glad you did.

Is she domestic?

If you’re the kind of person who thinks the only perks of a relationship are “the occasional morning BJ” and “well we have sex in the shower sometimes” then you live a sad, hollow life. Every girlfriend can (and should) be able to help out a little around your domicile whether it is beneath the frat castle roof or somewhere on campus. There are three specific talents I personally look for before I commit and I suggest you do the same.

First of all, she needs to be able to cook. While the whole “make me a sandwich” thing is hilarious, my needs are a little more extensive than slapping meat between two slices of bread. I don’t want you to make me a turkey sandwich. I want you to make me a fucking turkey, and then the next day I want you to a make me a turkey sandwich out of the leftovers. Any girl who can whip up a feast is worth talking to in my book.

Other than the ever-important food quality, cleaning and laundry skills are a crucial supplement to a good woman’s skill set. If she’s down to clean up your mess, which will at times be impressive, mind-boggling, and disgusting, then that’s a plus. And nothing says I love you like her hanging a freshly ironed shirt in your closet. Well that and a blow job if you get bored because the Monday Night Football game is a blowout.

Is she hot?

Trick question. If she isn’t, then you shouldn’t even bother justifying it. You can’t have sex with her personality. Where would you even put it in? Her sense of humor? Her empathy? Is doing it with her envious side like personality butt sex? You know what, I’m over thinking this. Let’s move on.

Do her friends suck?

Okay, so this one can be a toughie. Sure, any time more than two sorority girls get together a malevolent whirlwind of rumors and gossip forms in the room, sucking in unwilling onlookers. And yes, spending time with girls you aren’t planning to have sex with can be a little dull. But the fact remains, if you’re going to pony up and click “Yes” on that Facebook relationship page, you’re going to have to deal with her friends. From the moment they meet you, you will be scrutinized under a microscope. They will laugh when you laugh, smile when you smile, but inside their head all that is happening is a series of complex “is this guy good enough for her” arguments, many of which you will probably lose. But if you manage to come out on top, and the girls mentally stamp you with the “He’ll do” tag, then you’re in the money. Of course, if the friends are all too annoying to bear (or overwhelmingly ugly), then it may be time for an emergency escape plan. It’s never too late.

So guys, I hope you keep these criteria in mind next time you think of venturing down the sometimes rewarding, sometimes frustrating, at the very least sexually consistent path of a committed relationship. And ladies, if you’re out there wondering “Why am I still single?” maybe taking on a few of these qualities will help. Assuming you’re attractive, that is.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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