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Is She Psycho? A Female Analysis

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Whether it was growing up the awkward girl, or jumping on the computer nerd train in high school and riding it on through college, I somehow missed the part of puberty where girls become absolutely crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I do still get the urge to slap a bitch if she bats her eyes one too many times at my boyfriend, and I to want subsequently tell him to never speak to another pair of boobs ever again. But I don’t. I can see how that would make me crazy, so I choose to do something else, something more rational.

With the straightforward logic of a dick owner, and the insight of what it’s like to have low self-esteem, daddy issues, and a raging sex drive, I present to you the solution to the eternal question: Is she psycho?

She texts you the day after you spent the night together.

Analysis: There are a lot of factors to consider here, so I’ll start with the most obvious. If you never gave her your number, she’s out of her fucking mind. Run. Hide. Go into witness protection. If she is texting you repeatedly without you actually saying anything, she’s probably also got your tux picked out for the wedding on her Pinterest board she made during her walk of shame home. Finally, if she’s saying she had a great night and hopes to see you out again soon, then she wants to bang you again and it expressing it in a completely normal, non-psychotic manner.

She tells you she loves you.

Analysis: Alright, boys, quick checklist: Are you dating? Are you drinking? If you answered yes to either of those questions, she has plausible deniability and is probably not crazy. If you’ve been with a girl long enough to consider yourselves “dating,” you’ve been together long enough that she could actually feel that way about you. Also, sometimes we say stupid shit when we drink. If you answered no to both of those questions and your one-night-stand is telling you she loves you in broad daylight, while sober, you’ve got yourself a certified psycho. She is quick to attach herself and probably has abandonment issues. Proceed with caution.

She has a history with your fraternity brothers.

Analysis: If you can’t name all of the brothers she’s been with, she’s got a lady boner for your letters, not you. She could be crazy, but I’ll let you consult your chapter on this one since you have plenty of character references for her. If she dated one of your brothers for an extended period of time, not only is she probably crazy, you might be a dick. If the break up is fresh, especially if you are actually friends with her ex, then you are setting yourself up to bring a shit ton of crazy into your life.

She’s obsessed with labels and what her relationship status is.

If you just met, just starting hanging out, or just fucked last night, she’s highly insecure and wants to lock you down so she can get mad at you for other girls flirting with you at the bar. In other words, she’s psycho. If you’ve been “a thing” for a while, she’s probably starting to feel pressure from her friends to make it into something more. They keep asking, and she’s tired of having to explain your lack of a label and she really just wants it for simplicity. That doesn’t make her a psycho, but be careful. Insisting to remain just “a thing” and not label the relationship might make her go a little crazy.

Every girl is capable of being a psycho, but not all of them give in and choose to act on it. Know the difference.

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Not So Sweetheart

The most rational, reasonable, and riotous girl you'll ever meet.

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