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Kobe Bryant’s Wife is as Big of an Asshole as Kobe Bryant

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Beyonce once wisely said that “if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.” Vanessa Bryant has an amendment to that timeless wisdom. She believes that if the man is a professional athlete, and he likes “it” (it being his wife) then not only should he put a ring on her, but ten or fifteen on himself. Specifically of the championship variety.

Now granted, Kobe’s wife Vanessa Bryant has been through a lot. Her husband’s profession forces him to be both an absentee father and husband for much of the year, leaving her (and her support staff) to run the family. She’s had to keep the spotlight that comes with her husband’s fame away from both her and her children. Plus there was that whole rape case thing… and her husband’s constant infidelity, that too.

But maybe, just maybe, Vanessa Bryant isn’t much better than her husband, at least in terms of being a shameless asshole. There may not be better proof than this quote from Kobe’s wife Vanessa in a recent interview with New York Magazine:

I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.

Right, because if he was playing for a last place team that paid him $25.244 million, that would somehow be unacceptable.


Kobe: But baby! It’s not my fault we lost, we don’t have any depth on the bench! I dropped like 45 points in that last game!

Vanessa: Nuh, uh. I don’t give a shit. You didn’t win a championship. I am no longer willing to tolerate your philandering. $75 MILLION DOLLAR DIVORCE!

Kobe: THIS IS WHY I CHEAT! Diamondique never judges me!

Vanessa: That’s because she’s a stripper and you give her money!

Kobe: I give you like 10 million dollars a year! WHAT THE FUCK!?!

Vanessa: Win another ring, or I’m walkin’ with $75 mil. Deal with it.

(*Kobe sprints into the Lakers Front Office*)

Kobe: For the love of God give me a raise or trade for Dwight Howard as fast as you can. I’ll call Stern and tell him to let this one go through.


High profile athletes should just stay single until they retire. Even at 40-years-old they’ll be in immaculate shape and have the ability to slam 22-year-olds. There’s just no point.

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