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Internet Explodes Over Rumors That Trump Had Russian Hookers Piss On Him

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From Russia With Piss: These leaks are starting to get out of hand.

Per the entire goddamn internet over the past few hours, the Russians have some good dirt on the President-Elect of The United States (or NAMBLA, for short). Donald Trump has been going around the finer hotels of Moscow having hookers put on golden shower shows for him, according to reports that may or may not be bullshit.


All hail modern politics, man. If other crazy conspiracies like Ted Cruz’s dad killing JFK, Obama being a Kenyan Muslim, Ben Carson being a pedophile, and Bill Clinton having extramarital affairs while in office are plausible, I am FULLY ON BOARD the Don Trump as the White R. Kelly bandwagon.

The future head of the free world took a break from the real issues — tweeting about award show speeches and Celebrity Apprentice ratings — in order to address the rumors as “fake news,” but I fully believe this news is real, and it’s spectacular. And why should Trump be so quick to dismiss this stream of rumors? If anything, it SOLIDIFIES my confidence in his executive abilities.

David Cameron fucked a pig head. JFK and Bobby, each with white powdered noses, used to Eiffel Tower Marilyn Monroe. George Washington surely took out his dentures long enough to let Martha cake fart into his mouth. Acts of reckless sexual perversion for the sake of reckless sexual perversion are the ultimate power move, and if you don’t believe me, just look at how that virgin James Buchanan drove the country into Civil War as a result of his massive testicular buildup.

Both Trump and Obama were briefed last week on the issue of the Ruskies having very compromising information on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s predecessor. Although it was unclear at the time, now it makes sense why Biden popped his head in the room and chuckled as he told Donald, “Urine for a long four years.”

[via BuzzFeed]

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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