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Adderall Guy and His Mom
-A Week Before Finals-
(*on the phone*)
Adderall Guy: Hey mom, can you refill my Adderall prescription? It’s almost finals week and I’m about to be out.
Mom: What? I thought I just filled that for you.
Adderall Guy: Yeah, a month ago, now I’m out.
Mom: No I’m pretty sure I had it refilled two weeks ago.
Adderall Guy: Well then why am I out of Adderall!?!
Mom: Good question.
Adderall Guy: So can you get it refilled for me?
Mom: I just don’t understand why you’re out of Adderall already.
Adderall Guy: Mom, you didn’t understand the movie Cars 2, either.
Mom: I did too!
Adderall Guy: You kept asking why nobody was driving the cars.
Mom: Well I didn’t see the first one.
Adderall Guy: Wouldn’t have mattered if you had, really.
Mom: So they never explain why there are no people driving the cars?
Adderall Guy: The cars are the people, mom.
Mom: Well I know that people are being the voices for the cars. It’s a movie. How dumb do you think I am?
Adderall Guy: I…you know what, the cars are robots, and that’s why no one is driving them. They’re robots.
Mom: Well that’s just lame. Why not just make them normal robots, like Wally the robot. I liked that movie. That one was much cuter.
Adderall Guy: I know mom. So can you please refill my prescription? I’m out and I really need it.
Mom: (*sighs heavily*)
Adderall Guy: Or you could not refill my prescription and I could fail this really hard engineering final. It probably won’t be that big of a deal. I can still fulfill my dream of working with bridges even if I fail out of engineering school. Of course instead of building them I’d be selling crack, and probably my body, beneath them, but whatever.
Mom: You have quite an imagination, you know that?
Adderall Guy: And in the winter if I get cold I can just steal old jackets from a Burlington Coat Factory dumpster.
Mom: Ugh, I hate that place. It’s like WalMart for jackets.
Adderall Guy: Mommm. Can you refill my prescription, please? Seriously I need it.
Mom: (*sighs again*) Yes I’ll go to the pharmacy today. Is there anything else you need? Do you want me to send you some food? Do you have enough money? Should I even give you money? I don’t want you going out this week.
Adderall Guy: Ha, no, I’m definitely not gonna need money.
Mom: What? Why do you “definitely not need money!?!”
Adderall Guy: I, uh, the not going out thing that you said…is what I mean… (*to himself*) SHIT.
Mom: You better not be getting drunk this week.
Adderall Guy: I’m not! Nobody goes out this week. I’d be alone, it’d be lame. I’m not as cool as you, I can’t pull off drinking a bottle of wine by myself.
Mom: I do not do that! I have not…I have a glass or two. I do not drink an entire bottle.
Adderall Guy: Suuure mom. I heard they’re making a “Real Housewives of” for our city. You want me to send in some headshots of you?
Mom: I do NOT drink that much, and I’m not a divorcee sleeping with her pool boy, either.
Adderall Guy: We don’t have a pool.
Mom: Lucky for your father.
Adderall Guy: Okay well we’ve ventured into some pretty gross territory here so I’m gonna go. Thank you for refilling my Adderall prescription.
Mom: You’re welcome. Study hard. DON’T do anything I wouldn’t approve of. Study. Got it? STU-DY. Love you.
Adderall Guy: I will not do anything you would not approve of… (*to himself*) except deal a shitload of drugs (*to Mom*)… love you too. Bye.
(*They hang up. Adderall Guy gets on his fraternity list serv and announces to the brothers that he is officially open for business*)
Adderall Guy and the Overly Eager Buyer
(*Adderall Guy sits in his room at the fraternity house. Sorority Girl knocks and enters*)
Sorority Girl: Hey!
Adderall Guy: Hey what’s up?
Sorority Girl: I need some, uh, “study aids.”
Adderall Guy: You mean DRUGS! (*starts shouting*) YOU NEED DRUGS!?!?!
Sorority Girl: (*whispering*) Shut! Up!
Adderall Guy: Sorry, I didn’t realize buying drugs was a sensitive subject for you. (*shouts again*) NEVER MIND EVERYBODY! SHE’S JUST IN HERE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME! NO DRUGS! JUST GOOD OLD FASHIONED SEX!
Sorority Girl: I hate you so much.
Adderall Guy: It was the most believable thing I could think of. How much do you want?
Sorority Girl: (*bashful*) Well, uh…
Adderall Guy: What? I don’t care how much you want. This is a no judgment zone. I‘m the guy selling it. I’m technically the bigger piece of shit here, so it’s cool.
Sorority Girl: Well…can I buy, like, all of it?
Adderall Guy: All of it as in all forty pills!?!
Sorority Girl: Yeah…
Adderall Guy: Alright, now I am judging you. What in the name of God do you need forty pills for? You’re a Comm major. You could probably get by railing Pixie Sticks. And you know that’s like $400 right?
Sorority Girl: I don’t know, I just want to be sure I have enough?
Adderall Guy: Enough? What are you taking the MCAT at gunpoint this week? You weigh like a buck fifteen, you’d have enough to explode your heart. Twice.
Sorority Girl: Shut up I’m not gonna take all of them.
Adderall Guy: Then what do you need them all for?
Sorority Girl: I don’t know.
Adderall Guy: Call me an idealistic drug dealer here, but I can’t just give them all to you. People are depending on me, okay? There are kids that, without me, would be getting F’s instead C’s on their finals and papers. If I sell all my Adderall to you, sure I’d make the same amount of money, but who would I be helping? Think of the guy with the 8am class who has to get an A on his final in order to pass because of all the points he lost missing class so much. Think of the kid who has to stay up for two straight days writing a final paper he neglected to work on all semester. You know what would happen if he didn’t have my Adderall? He’d be drinking Red Bulls and coffee, and after 32 hours he’d start having some intense, sleep deprivation related hallucinations in which he thinks the books have come to life and started teaching the material to him via song, like in School House Rock. Then he’d crash for 17 hours, miss his deadline, and probably crap his pants. Coffee, ya know? I help those who have fucked themselves.
Sorority Girl: I’ll give you $15 a pill.
Adderall Guy: Deal, but I’m keeping six for myself.
Sorority Girl: You rock.
Adderall Guy and The Idiot Who Doesn’t Know How Adderall Works
(*Adderall Guy is once again sitting in his room, minding his own business, his Fraternity Brother enters*)
Adderall Guy: What’s up man?
Fraternity Brother: Hey you think I can get an Adderall? I have an exam in twenty minutes. I’m so fucked.
Adderall Guy: Are you tired or something?
Fraternity Brother: No I woke up at like noon today. I just didn’t study for it, plus I missed a shit ton of class. Figured I’d take an Addy. Never had one before but everyone else says it works.
Adderall Guy: You understand that Adderall doesn’t make you smarter, right?
Fraternity Brother: Then why do people take it to study?
Adderall Guy: Because it helps them study, which you didn’t do. People don’t take Adderall in lieu of studying.
Fraternity Brother: So it makes studying fun?
Adderall Guy: No, not really. Not at all, actually. It just gives them energy and focus.
Fraternity Brother: Energy? Why don’t they just do some blow then?
Adderall Guy: The focus part is important.
Fraternity Brother: Right, true. Last time I did blow in the library I threw some books at a pledge and then actually only stayed for like fifteen minutes.
Adderall Guy: That’s why people prefer Adderall. But it doesn’t make you smarter.
Fraternity Brother: Okay, but in that movie Limitless the drug made him smarter.
Adderall Guy: Limitless is not real, and also not about Adderall. And also not real, which bears repeating.
Fraternity Brother: It’s not about Adderall? I didn’t see it. So Adderall isn’t gonna help me?
Adderall Guy: Well I guess it’s not gonna hurt you either, I guess.
Fraternity Brother: Well then fuckin’ give me some Adderall. Damn dude. You’re a shitty salesman.
Adderall Guy: I prefer “drug dealer.”
(*Adderall Guy hands a pill to Fraternity Brother*)
Adderall Guy: Good luck with your exam.
(*Fraternity Brother leaves*)
-2 Hours Later-
Adderall Guy: How’d your exam go?
Fraternity Brother: Killed it.
Adderall Guy: Really?
Fraternity Brother: Oh yeah. Turns out it wasn’t even a test though.
Adderall Guy: What was it?
Fraternity Brother: Just had to act out some scene.
Adderall Guy: You needed an Adderall for your Acting For Non-Majors class?
Fraternity Brother: Shit I didn’t know what I was gonna have to do.
Adderall Guy: What scene did you act out?
Fraternity Brother: I did the one from American Psycho where he chases that hooker with the chainsaw.
Adderall Guy: Not a lot of talking in that scene. He mostly just runs after her.
Fraternity Brother: I know, that’s why it was perfect. No dialog to remember. Just took my shirt off and ran around making crazy faces and chainsaw noises for like, four minutes.
Adderall Guy: Feel like you still got an F.
Fraternity Brother: I probably got a B. It’s an art class. Art class Bs are real school Fs.
Adderall Guy: True, congrats.