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Every pledge class is different, but they all have one thing in common: they’re the worst one ever. Fucking ever. Generally the [insert semester/year] pledge class is the worst pledge class ever because of four characters in particular. What follows are a few short excerpts from inside the minds of these neophyte, vomit-cleaning, dip-spit-holding, awful, terrible pledges.
1. God’s Gift to Your Fraternity
Yeah, I pretty much knew I was getting a bid since senior year. I came down here for a game day and met all the bros, and they fucking LOVED me. I drank like, 23 beers and I don’t even fucking know how many shots. And then this Tri-Delt was all over my D and she totally slobbed down on my knob in the study room, no big deal. I’ve gotta be like, the first person to do that, don’t you think?
I know there’s gonna be some hazing, but I don’t think I’ll get it that bad. They already think I’m such a badass, I really don’t see it happening. Plus, I was all district in high school so I’ll be a badass for the flag football team, they won’t want to mess with me. Yeah man, this pledge semester is going to be a breeze.
2. The Scared Shitless Pledge
Holy fuck, the house phone is ringing, it’s my first DD shift ever. Please don’t be an old guy. Please don’t let it be Higgins. Dear God, don’t let it be Higgins. I heard a mountain lion attacked him on a hiking trail once and he ended up raping it.
“Hello? Sorry Most Dignified Brother Michael Jameson Higgins, how can I help you today? Yes sir, I will be sure to answer the phone correctly next time. You need a ride? From Downtown? Yes sir, I’ll be right there.”
Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit. He’s going to chew me out for missing the cleaning party last week. I know it. I wish my car was cleaner. Alpha, beta, gamma…iota? Fuck, that’s not right, shit I hope he doesn’t ask me.
(*A short time later*)
He’s in the car. He isn’t saying a word. Why isn’t he talking? Should I say something? What do I even say? How were the bars sir? No, fucking stupid. We’re almost to his place, he hasn’t even asked me one thing. I can’t even look at him, am I sweating? Yes, confirmed, definitely sweating. Here’s his driveway.
And he’s not moving. What does he want? Why isn’t he getting out?
Oh. Fuck, he’s been passed out the whole ride. Do I shake him? I’m going to pat his shoulder.
“Sir, you’re home.”
And he’s gone. Thank you Jesus. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
3. The Permadrunk Pledge
I am going to be solely responsible for the demolishing of this plastic bottle of Popov Vodka at my first social tonight. Before any of the girls show up. I just want to be properly drunk, and not able to form coherent sentences, forcing others instead to rely on the tone and volume of my grunts to determine my emotions and potential medical needs.
Somehow, I am still going to be standing when the party reaches full swing, and will proceed to play a few drinking games that I really don’t need to be participating in. I will probably snort some type of stimulant with my Big Brother in a bathroom, giving me an extra boost of clarity and returning me to something that nearly resembles a productive human being.
My fake ID will be accepted at the bar, and I will pay no attention to the music or women any longer. I will befriend the bartender almost instantly. I am only 18 years old, but I act like I’ve been drinking for a decade. Which isn’t that far off. Long Island Iced Tea will be my drink of choice.
I will probably vomit in an inappropriate place, fairly early in the experience. My spandex “Kermit the Frog” costume will suddenly become clearly a poor decision. I will be forcibly escorted out of the bar, and stuffed onto a living room couch in the fraternity house. I will answer for this tomorrow, I’m sure. My shoes are still on, and I will regret it.
4. The High School Sweetheart Pledge
This relationship is totally going to work. I know we both went to different schools, and we’re only going to see each other a few times this semester, but we dated for 8 whole months before that in high school, and we made it through that! I think we’re ready for anything.
I don’t think it’s a big deal that we’re both going Greek at our schools. It’s a great way to meet people. I mean, I’m sure she’ll meet a few guys, but she loves me, she told me right before I took her virginity. She won’t sloppily blow anyone in the men’s bathroom after one too many panty-dropper shots at her first mixer.
I know there are going to be a lot of girls I meet too, but I’m going to be totally faithful. I was in high school, so why wouldn’t I be now? I mean what’s really changed besides an endless supply of alcohol and a complete lack of adult supervision? The temptations are basically the same. And I’m not worried about drunken mistakes, I for one know I can hold my alcohol and still be smart after drinking. No matter how skimpy their social outfits are, or how many of them physically grab my penis sneakily on the dance floor, I’ll resist. She’s the one, after all, and there’s no way that there are any more girls like her, especially not at this school of 30,000 people.