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At a House Party
(*Walks downstairs, observes crowd as loud music blares over the party*)
What’s up motherfuckers? Guess who just showed up to turn this hand job festival into a titty fucking rager, THIS GUY. Time to get lit up. Where’s a pledge? I need a drink.
Try Hard: PLEEEEEEEEDDDDDDGGGGEEEEEEE.
Try Hard: PLEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDGGGEEEEEEE.
Try Hard: PLEEEE…
Random Brother: What the hell are you screaming about?
Try Hard: I need a pledge to get me a drink. Right.Now.
Random Brother: You realize that there’s an expensive sound system blaring music and that no one more than ten feet away can hear you, right?
Try Hard: Fuck that, these pledges fucking suck.
Random Brother: Yeah, whatever.
-5 Minutes Later-
The key here is to find the hottest bitch and get her to do shots. If the hottest one does shots all the other girls will too. That’s why I drink every time Sam takes a shot. Goddamnit that guy’s handsome.
Try Hard: You want to do a shot?
Hot Girl: What?
Try Hard: DO YOU WANT A SHOT?
Hot Girl: Oh…ye…
Try Hard: I SAID DO YOU WANT A SHOT?? TAKE A FUCKING SHOT!
Hot Girl: What?!
Try Hard: C’mon! Let’s party! Don’t you know how to party? Here I’ll take this bottle, we’ll go back to my room, and we’ll party. It’ll be cool.
Hot Girl: No, you’re a creep.
(*Hot Girl walks away*)
Try Hard: OH YEAH!?! WELL YOU’RE NOT EVEN THAT HOT! I FUCK HOTTER GIRLS THAN YOU WHEN I’M JACKING OFF!
Wait…what? Whatever, it totally works.
-30 Minutes Later-
So apparently every bitch here is a fucking bitch. Whatever. Fuck it, I’ll just blackout and forget that all their periods synced up when they walked in the front door. Apparently I’m an asshole for grabbing a fifth and offering free bottle service back in my room. Guess I didn’t get the memo that enticing someone with free stuff to get them behind a closed door automatically means you’re a creepy rapist.
I’m just gonna shotgun some beers with my pledge bros.
Try Hard: Nick! Kyle! Shotgun! Now. Do it. Shotgun. Beers. Do it now. With me. Don’t be bitches. Shotgun. ASAP. Keys. Can. Hole. Mouth. Shit show. Don’t be gaylords. Do it. Do it.
Nick: Shut up.
Try Hard: You’re gonna puss out???
Kyle: No, we’re gonna do it, just…just shut up.
(*prepares can, starts shotgunning*)
Chug it. Chug it. Faster. FASTER. Show these pussies what’s up. FUCK! KYLE WON.
Try Hard: (*extends hand*) Nice chug bud.
Try Hard: Nice chug. That was Frat as Fuck. Way to take it down.
Try Hard: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. BOOM. BEAT YOU TO IT!
Kyle: Ugh, I was gonna say thanks actually, but I didn’t know we were racing.
Try Hard: Pssh I’m always racing.
Kyle: Yeah, I know…
-3 Hours Later-
Try Hard: FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
Random Brother: You’re a tool!
Who tha fuck said that? Where’d that pussy go? Is it…that guy? Who’s this asshole? I don’ know this dick slapper.
Try Hard: HEY! HEY who…who the fuck are you?
Rush: I, uh, I’m John. I just came over to…
Try Hard: Well I don’ fuckin’ know you. An I know everybody here. I’m tight with literally everyone here. D’you wanna know why? Because these are MY BROTHERS YOU GEED!
Rush: No, no I know! I’m a rush!
Try Hard: YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE! FIGHT! GET EVERYONE UP HERE! FIGHT.
Rush Chair: NO! NO! What the fuck is wrong with you? I literally introduced this kid to you five hours ago.
Try Hard: How’m I ‘sposed to just recognize some kid?
Rush Chair: Well I mean, until about three seconds ago he was the only person here who didn’t have a look of contempt on their faces when talking to you.
Try Hard: Pfft whatever. Look at this guy. He’s contemplating alright. Contemplating fingering my b-hole. TOTAL GAY. Don’t sign him.
Rush Chair: He’s a legacy.
Try Hard: Oh shit. Great to meet you bud. Your dad’s a legend.
Rush: It was my older brother actually.
This class is gaaaaayyyy. Why the fuck did I come to this bullshit? Wasn’t even a quiz today. SO many geeds here. Look at this kid. Sweet hoodie, probably wears that hood to like, keep all the splooge from getting in his hair when it drips off the ceiling because, like, he loves huge dicks and they all shoot it on the ceiling or something because they’re so big and, like, it drips. Whatever, he’s gay.
Is that chick a geed? She’s kinda hot. But I literally won’t fuck her if she’s a geed. My D has a strict no Vageed policy. She could be the hottest cheerleader at the school but if she’s not Greek she’s got a better chance of being struck by lightning than getting a boner delivery from yours truly. I don’t see any letters, I’ll have to investigate further. With my dong. Unless she’s a geed. So, shit, I can’t use my dong. Or maybe I will. Her call. Unless she’s a geed.
OH SHIT! LaDarius Marshall is in this class? Dude’s a badass. Easily the best linebacker in the conference. Should I say something to him? I bet he’d think that shit I was yelling at State’s QB was funny as fuck. I KNOW that asshole QB heard me when I was all like “YOUR MOM GAVE ME AIDS.” Damn he looks freaking jacked in person.
This professor is such a lib geed. ALL HE’S TALKING ABOUT ARE DEMOCRATS. I’m gonna say something.
Professor: Yes? You have a question.
Try Hard: Yeah, uh, can we maybe talk about a GOOD president like Ronald Reagan?
Professor: This is American History Prior to 1865, so no.
Try Hard: I’m just saying you’re only talking about democrats, and like, not to sound like a dick, but democrats basically suck a fat one.
Professor: Well had you been listening you probably would have noticed that I was discussing James Buchanan, arguably the worst president in American history, and a democrat to boot. Maybe you’ll enjoy my lecture more once we get to Lincoln, a Republican, and the Civil War.
Try Hard: The Civil War’s bullshit too. More like the War of Northerners Invading.
Professor: You know we’re in Ohio, right? So can I assume you aren’t a Lincoln fan either?
Try Hard: Pfffft NO. He freed the…
(*LaDarius Marshall turns around, gives look of death*)
Try Hard: I’m gonna go.
(*Hurries out of class*)
Try Hard: Good luck this weekend LD! You’re the shit bro!
Reading/Commenting on TFM
What’s on TFM today? Got some new TFMs, nice. This one’s about how this guy had a rager on his boat? Yeah fucking right. Pics or it didn’t happen douche bag. Sounds like bullshit to me. NF. I’m gonna write that, NF. Nice try geed. I’ve literally never believed in a boat I haven’t seen pictures of. Until I decide to Google pics of the Titanic that ship is about as real as unicorns and peacocks.
Here’s one about some dude slamming two chicks in the same night. Uh yeah right. This guy doesn’t have sex. Only I have sex. AND ONLY I KNOW WHAT SEX IS LIKE. I MUST IMMEDIATELY REFUTE HIS CLAIMS.
Fuck this I’m checkin’ out the photos:
I’d pee in her butt.
Butt pee, fo sho
So many butts, need more pee.
Need to hydrate, butts inbound.
Dear Butt, see you soon, <3 Pee
Aaaaand now for my guilty pleasure, TSM:
EVEN THOUGH I CLICKED ON THE TSM LINK AND READ THE ENTIRE COLUMN I HATE THAT THIS COLUMN EXISTS.