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Oh sorority liaisons, such sweet, foolish girls. They never really do know exactly what they’ve gotten themselves into. The sorority liaison, specifically ones in charge of essentially forcing cooperation between their sorority and their partner fraternity for Greek Week or Homecoming competitions, have an impossible job: organizing fraternity men. That’s a difficult enough task for a brother IN the house, let alone for an outsider like the sorority liaison. To say the job is akin to herding cats would be doing it an injustice. After all, cats don’t get blackout drunk and call you a bitch behind your back. Most sorority girls who volunteer for the liaison job seem to be well meaning control freaks, often with something to prove. Even in the best of situations the sorority liaison will finish her tenure with at least a few dozen guys who think she is a godless succubus. But when things go especially terrible, the sorority liaison is liable to completely lose her sanity…and sometimes her soul.
Day 1 (Outside the Chapter Room)
YES! I can’t believe they voted me Greek Week liaison! Oh wait, I totally can. Obviously I was the best sophomore for the job. Like Jenny’s fatass really thought she could win. Psssh! Yeah, okay, maybe you’re friends with a bunch of the guys in XXX but only because you’ve given beejers to half the house sweetie. There’s a reason they call you the “Jolly Peen Giant” behind your back. They don’t respect you, and that’s the key, they have to RESPECT the person they’re working with.
Jenny: Sara! Congratulations. I know you’re going to do awesome.
Sara: Oh my God, thank you. You would’ve been great too. I can’t believe how close the vote was.
I really can’t. Don’t the other girls know she has the intelligence level of one of those dogs from the Sarah McLachlan commercials that rednecks punched in the face?
Jenny: If you need any help with anything, just let me know.
Sure if any of the guys request a blow job that they’ll immediately regret I’ll shoot you a text ASAP.
I need to start planning, like, now. If I knock this Greek Week out of the park, ESPECIALLY considering the fraternity we’re paired with, I’ll be a shoe-in for an exec position. Maybe president. Oof, I don’t know if I want to be president, but still. Gahh! I cannot wait to plan all of this out!
Day 2 (Bedroom)
I know it’s early but we need to have our first meeting, like, yesterday. These guys are gonna be so hard to work with. Who is their liaison? Joe McNally? Why does that name sound familiar? Time to Facebook stalk.
(*Seventeen seconds later*)
Classy profile picture, I’m sure prospective employers are REALLY going to enjoy seeing a pic of you lassoing a frightened pledge whose dressed like a Teletubby. This looks like a Burning Man rodeo. Nice action shot though. Time for a friend request I’m certain to regret. Wait. I know him. He’s the guy who passed out in the porta potty at tailgate last year and somehow woke up with a broken ankle. HE’S their liaison?? The guy who mysteriously crippled himself while sleeping on a thin layer of human waste? Actually, you know what, that’s good. He’ll probably be laid back, aka completely apathetic, and I can just dictate what needs to be done. Perfect. I’ll send him an email right now to set up our first meeting.
(*30 Seconds and 2000 words later*)
(*30 Minutes later*)
Oh great, he accepted my friend request. That means he’s on his computer, I’m sure I’ll be hearing back from him any minute.
(*Another 30 minutes later*)
Why hasn’t he emailed me?
(*An hour later*)
I guess he just didn’t check his email.
Seriously? Still no email? Good to know he accepted that friend request just to look at my pics and decide whether or not he’d do me.
(*Later that day*)
FUCKING EMAIL ME BACK! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT EMAIL IS!!! JUST CLICK ON THE CUTE TINY LITTLE ENVELOPE ICON IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN OF WHAT I ASSUME IS ESSENTIALLY JUST YOUR MAGIC PORN BOX!
It’s a miracle, a return email…and all it says is “Meet when?”… It took him two days to send me a sentence fragment? THIS is the person they put in charge of communication? Do they have a paraplegic quarterbacking their intramural team too? Whatever, good thing I emailed him early. I’ll tell him we should meet tomorrow in our study room.
(*10 minutes later*)
Oh wow, a timely response. He wants to meet at the fraternity house? Why? Our study room is per…you know what? There’s no reason to be inflexible on everything. We’ll meet there, whatever. But we’re doing it tomorrow.
Day 6 (XXX House Common Room)
Wow, thanks for cleaning up. So you guys had chicken fingers for dinner last week, huh? What kind of heinous things have they been doing to their pledges that they can’t spare twenty minutes for cleaning? Why are we meeting in here?
(*Fraternity Liaison walks in with a glass of scotch*)
Joe: What’s up I’m Joe.
Sara: Hey! I’m Sara. Nice to meet you.
Joe: Yeah, you too. So What’s the deal?
Joe: Like what’s going on?
Sara: With Greek Week?
Are you effing kidding me?
Sara: Okay well I actually kind of laid out a lot of things if you wanna…
Random Brother: Joe!
Joe: (To Sara) Hold on, sorry.
Rude. Rude. Rude. Rude. Rude…
Joe: (Continued) Dude what’s up.
Random Brother: Hey man, what was that video you emailed on listserv? It didn’t get sent to me for some reason.
Joe: Oh dude, it’s fucking hilarious. (*To Sara*) You’ll love this.
Yeah probably not. Somehow I doubt you sent out a video of featuring adorable baby animals or small children singing pop songs.
Joe: So these people are shooting this porno in a zoo.
Oh, maybe there were baby animals…I really hope not though.
Joe: It’s supposed to be like the actors are animals, fucking in a zoo, but it’s just people banging, obviously.
Random Brother: Right.
Joe: Anyway so I guess they thought the cage was empty, and this guy is like about to pull off the money shot when all the sudden, out of nowhere, a fucking capybara comes out and the dude fucking freaks, because he doesn’t know what the fuck it is. So he tries to turn away but he’s mid stroke and just BLASTS it right on the capybara. Right in its fucking eye. Then the thing loses its shit and goes berserk on a camera man, biting his face and shit while the other dude’s load is dripping on him. It is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I’ll send it to you again. The video’s called “Jizzybara.” I got it three days ago and haven’t stopped forwarding it.
Ohhh THAT’s why it took you so long to get back to me. You were too busy forwarding videos of accidental bestiality. TOTALLY understandable.
Joe: I’ll catch you later man. (*To Sara*) So where were we?
Nowhere. We were nowhere.
Sara: I was about to tell you about all the ideas I had for our pairing.
Joe: Oh yeah, I read all that stuff you sent me. Remember? You attached like 20 documents.
Oh wow, you had time to read that? You weren’t Googling “geriatric takes dump on turtle’s shell” or “cliff divers fisting porpoise blowholes?” How thoughtful.
Sara: What’d you think?
Joe: I don’t know…
You don’t know? You…don’t…know? You looked at everything I sent and have no opinion on any of it? Please, sir, explain to me how difficult of a time you’re having forming an opinion about things like NEON SHIRTS WITH A CATCHY RAP LYRIC ON THE BACK!
Sara: What do you mean?
Joe: Yeah, it was cool. I just think we should see what everyone thinks.
Joe: I think we should think it over some more and see what we’ve got at the next meeting.
Okay, yeah, sure. I mean I’ve been thinking it over for a week deliberating day and night on what YOU would think were the best ideas, it wasn’t at all exhausting. I totally DIDN’T skip any homework to do it either. But yeah, sure, let’s take another week!…Okay, calm down. Be cool. Just forget it. It’s fine, you can make this work. So all of my ideas didn’t land right away. No big deal.
Sara: (*smiling*) Sure. Meet again next week?
Joe: Yeah, cool. Wanna drink?
Sara: Thanks! But I can’t tonight.
This is going to be a nightmare.
Day 16 (Sports Competitions on Intramural Fields)
Sara: So you understand that everyone in your house needed to be here BEFORE the games started.
Joe: Yeah, totally.
No you don’t. I should have asked if you understand what “understand” means.
Sara: Okay, well, they aren’t here.
Joe: They will be.
Be nice. Be composed. Resist the urge to pepper spray him until he’s blind.
Sara: We need the spirit points. And they better not show up drunk. We’ll lose points.
Joe: Well do you want them to cheer or do you want them to be sober?
BOTH! GAHHH is that not possible!?
Sara: Just get them here.
Jenny: WOOOOOO Go XXX and BBB!!! WOOOO GREEK WEEK [insert year] GONNA WIN IT ALL !!!!!!!!
Joe: Hey Jenny, I thought you were still over at the house.
Oh good. She’s hammered.
Jenny: Noooo I came up to cheer, silly. Duh!
(*Jenny leans all over Joe*Joe flashes a knowing smirk*)
Vom. Vom. Vom. Vom. Vom. Vom.
Sara: Just get your fraternity brothers here, now.
This is a fucking nightmare. All of those assholes are gonna show up wasted. We HAVE to get full points in sports if we want to have any shot of winning. If we lose spirit points because some idiot comes here reeking of whiskey like he’s an Irish hobo I’m going to high heel stomp his sack.
(*20 Minutes Later*)
Oh good, they all showed up, too bad it’s halftime. And too bad they’re a total mess. Are Greek Week sports SO boring to you that you need to use ice beer in your pregame power hour? Oh my God, look at that guy. How wasted is he? He doesn’t even look drunk. He looks like someone gave him a roofie and then hit him in the face with a hammer. Someone needs to get him out of here now. OhmyGod! Is that why they call it hammered? Never mind, not now, no time.
Hammered Brother: (*shouting at the field*) YOU CAN’T FROW ON US BEETCHES! Ya see tha guy? Tha guy coulda played D-2 ball but he decided to come ‘ere and FUCKIN’ RAGE ON YOUR ASSES INSTEAD!
Random Brother: Dude. The girls’ teams are playing right now.
Hammered Brother: FUCK the WNBA.
I’m going to KILL Joe. Where is he? This guy has got to go before he…
Hammered Brother: WHAT THA FUCK CALL WAS THAT REF!? NOBODY’S OFFSIDE! WHY DON YOU OPEN YOUR EYES MISTER FAG-OO.
Referee: What? Was that a Mister Magoo reference?
Hammered Brother: Watch the game, itsuh great game, quit fiddlin’ with yer dick and watch the game. Missin’ a great game ref, great game.
Referee: You’re obviously drunk. Just leave before I report you, please.
(*Hammered Brother shoves referee to the ground*Chaos ensues*)
Hammered Brother: I’m about to drag my balls offside your face.
(*Hammered Brother grabs whistle, starts blowing it in referee’s face*)
I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been trying SO hard and it’s all been thrown right back in my face. I ask for simple things. Don’t show up to events drunk. Don’t get in a fight with referees. Don’t tell the blood drive screeners that you had sex with a prostitute but “she was the off the clock so it didn’t count” as a joke, because they’ll still deny you. I’m emailing their president, I don’t know what else to do.
I’m emailing you today because over the course of my time as Greek Week liaison to your fraternity my experience has grown more and more frustrating. Because I haven’t seen you at ANY Greek Week events, and because I know that your liaison has the communication skills of a shy mute boy, I’m not sure if you are fully aware of what the members of your fraternity have done over the course of these last three weeks. I’ve compiled a few of the highlights for you.
• Your members showed up to everything drunk. Everything. Really, really drunk. There were times I was willing to let this slide, specifically at the “Dancing with Senior Citizens” philanthropy, as their being drunk seemed to, at the very least, liven up the mood. But even that backfired when two of your members got carried away and began to vigorously party boy one of the senior citizens, eventually breaking the armrests on her wheel chair. We were promptly thrown out of the nursing home, which was apparently the first non pill stealing related ejection in the nursing home’s history.
• Several of your members stole pills from the nursing home anyway.
• Your liaison has missed over half of the meetings he was required to attend, giving excuses such as “diarrhea,” “terrible diarrhea,” and “my roommate has diarrhea and needs fluids.”
• No one has liked any of my ideas, even the good ones.
• On multiple occasions props for our skit had to be rebuilt after drunk actives destroyed them. We left pledges to guard them but that obviously had no effect. There is currently a rotation of girls from our house standing on watch over them 24/7.
• I was told pledges would be made available to help with much of the work. However the actives seemed to think activities such as a pledge class nut kicking competition they referred to as “Rocham-bro” were a better use of their time.
Please do something to control your members. I know not everyone is into Greek Week, and that’s fine. But there is a difference between being apathetic and actively counterproductive. People are working very hard and trying to have a good time.
XXX Greek Week Liaison
(*15 minutes later*)
Wow, that was a fast response. Let’s see what you have to say Mr. President…
It’s a video of a guy jacking off on a giant rat.
Day 25 (Announcements)
This is it. I have made peace with the fact that we aren’t going to win. Fine. Whatever. It happens. XXX is a terrible house. But I think we can place. I KNOW we can place. If my calculations are right we didn’t lose a TON of points. I know we can get top 10, maybe top 5 if things really go our way. That’s still impressive considering what I had to work with. No one can fault me for that, right? Totally. Okay, it’s starting. Please please please…
(*10 minutes later*)
Last place…last fucking place. I…how…why…what happened? Yeah, we lost points, but I mean…so did other pairings. Right? I can’t believe it. I completely and utterly failed.
(*Joe pats Sara on the shoulder*)
Joe: Hey, sucks we got last, but at least we had fun, amiright?
Jenny: OOOOHHH YEAHHHH WOOOOOOO GREEK WEEK [insert year] LAST PLACE BITCHES! WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK!! WE JUST PAARRRRTTTTAAAYYYY!!
Sara: FUN!!!! FUN!!!!! WHO HAD FUN!?!?! I DIDN’T!!! THIS WAS HELL! ALL YOU PEOPLE DID WAS TORTURE ME FOR THE BETTER PART OF A MONTH! I JUST WANTED TO DO A GOOD JOB AND INSTEAD OF BEING COOPERATIVE, EVEN JUST TO BE POLITE, ALL ANY OF YOU DID WAS SHIT ALL OVER ME! I was all like “Oh hey, let’s wake up at 9:00am and go donate to the Greek Week canned food drive.” And what do you do? Did you all wake up and help participate in this mindless and helpful activity? No. You didn’t. YOU SENT PLEDGES WITH EMPTY PAINT CANS JAMMED FULL OF COOKED MACARONI AND CHEESE! THAT’S NOT CANNED FOOD!
Sara: GAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHHH! I just wanted to see our names in the top 5. That’s all I wanted to see. Instead the only thing I saw was SOME GUY WITH A MUSTACHE CUMMING ON A GIANT HAMSTER!!!!!
Joe: Yeah but that was pretty funny though.
(*Sara screams, lunges at Joe’s throat*)