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Inside the Mind of a Rush Chair, Part 1

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After Chapter Elections

Fuck.Yes. The election is over and the chapter decided that I should be rush chair. Goddamn right they did. It’s not like it was a strong field though. The only other people who ran were Jones, who’s as creepy as a leering middle school janitor, and McMillan, who long ago drank himself retarded. I don’t think he can form words that aren’t verbs, nouns, or adjectives describing drinking.

I wonder why no one else ran? Rush chair sounds like a sweet ass position. Take out high school kids, get ‘em drunk, tell ‘em how awesome as shit your house is. What’s not to like? Easy AND fun. I’m gonna have 30 of the most badass top prospect rushes in the state by the end of fucking May.

Later That Night…

Rush Chair: (*Hammered Drunk*) You asshole don’ even know. Juss git ready. ‘Cause guess wha? Imma… about to make this house badass as fuck. I mean, I mean… iz already badass er whatever. But I’m seriously gonna sign the fuckin’ tits kids man.

Active: Yeah man. I bet. Hope you do a good job. Let me know if you ever need help or anything. I’m not busy this summer so I can help out.

Rush Chair: Fer sure. Fer sure. Thanks man. First order of business fer yer help. Go buy like forty rafts. INFLATABLE floating rafts. Because otherwise my rush class is gonna drown from all the pussies they make wet. Thur seriously all gonna be 5-star, quarterback, straight A, buffalo dicked motherfuckers.

Active: Okay dude…

Rush Chair: SHUT THE FUCK UP! They’re gonna be the tits!

Dealing With the Awkwards

Alright, first big rush event of the summer, need to make some headway here, get some more kids on paper. I’m thinking this pool party was a good idea. Get fucked up at a nice house, watch all the hot slams we hang out with walk around mostly naked, barbeque a variety of meats. Quality.

Wish some of these girls were being flirtier with the rushes though. AND those bikinis aren’t NEARLY slutty enough. Did they not understand when I told them to be “shameless whores” in that mass text? God it must have been so much easier to rush kids before the internet, when ninety boobs and scissoring gymnasts weren’t a click of the mouse away. Spoiled fuckers.

Oh shit. Hampton is talking to one of the rushes. That awkward bastard. OF COURSE he volunteers for every single rush event while getting some of the normal brothers is like pulling teeth. What hilarious stories are you regaling that rush with, Hampton? All those times you didn’t get laid or the one time we caught you looking out the window and jackin’ it on sundress day? I damn to hell the rush chair that signed you. I need to go run interference like right now.

Rush Chair: Hey! What’s up Hampton? I see you met one of our rushes, Todd.

Hampton: Yeah I was just telling Todd here about that time that Jon and Arthur kept flashing their dicks at me until I gave them fifty dollars so they would stop.

Somehow Door Number 3 was even worse.

Todd: (*uneasy*) Is that… true?

I will kill you Hampton.

(*Rush Chair laughs*)

Rush Chair: Hampton here is a FUNNY guy. (*Gives Hampton a look of pure evil*) He really cracks us up. Hey Hampton, I think one of those girls up there on the deck was asking for you.

Hampton: (*looks at the deck*) I doubt it. I don’t know any of them.

(*fantasizes about round house kicking Hampton*)

Rush Chair: Just go. They were. Okay? They were asking. Go say hi.

Hampton: Sweet!

(*Hampton runs off*)

Sorry girls. Just business.

Rush Chair: (*to Todd*) He’s a funny guy. Jokes around a lot. REAL FUNNY.

Todd: Oh, cool. Yeah, that’s pretty funny I guess.

Hampton: (*shouting from the deck*) Hey! You were wrong. None of these girls were asking for me. They actually seemed pretty weirded out when I demanded to know who was asking for me.


Rush Chair: (*to Todd*) Have you met Stacey…

i.e. the loosest girl here.

Rush Chair: She’s great, you’ll love her. Go say hi, I’ll grab you a beer.

And grab her a fifth of Cuervo.


This is going pretty damn well. Everyone is drunk and loose, there’s a good vibe here now. The rushes are being entertained, a lot of quality kids here having a good time. I’m gonna go ahead and pat myself on the back. Yeah that’s right, I don’t give a fuck. Gonna do it.

(*Pats self on the back*)

That felt good. I think I can put this bitch on cruise control and start officially blacking out.

(*Sees Hampton talking to a rush*)

Oh God. Time to go prevent another disaster.

(*Jogs over to Hampton and the rush*)

Rush Chair: Hey guys, what’s happening?

Hampton: Dude, I just met this kid, name’s Neil. He’s AWESOME.

I don’t think you understand how worthless your stamp of approval is.

Neil: Puh-leasure to meet you good sir.

Who the fuck is this kid? I do NOT remember calling you.

Rush Chair: Good to meet you man. How’s it going?

Neil: Quick question, where should I put my sleeping bag?

I don’t know, where are you keeping your virginity?

Rush Chair: Uhh, what?

Neil: I was led to believe that this was a sleepover party, is it not?

There’s like a 90% chance you’ve been molested.

Rush Chair: Yeah people are passing out here.

Neil: Will everyone be sleeping indoors or is this more of a summer campout situation?

By a Boy Scout leader.

Rush Chair: Either one I guess. Knowing me I’ll probably pass out in a deck chair.

Neil: Excellent! Variety, as they say, (*enthusiastically shoots index finger upwards*) is the spice of life!

(*Neil bounds off happily*)

You two were made for each other. You’re like a creepy, man version of Thelma and Louise waiting to happen. Please fast forward to the end and drive off a cliff.

Hampton: He’s awesome, right? Bid. Bid for sure.

I hope a mosquito gives you Chagas. TONIGHT. Alright, I’m done playing nice. Blackout time.

(*Starts drinking with a vengeance*)

(*Blacks out*)

(*Wakes up with a handful of bid cards*)

I am a badass motherfucker

Meeting with the Fraternity Accountant

Judy: So what do ya got for me today, hun?

Rush Chair: Uh just a couple of receipts, we had a rush BBQ this past weekend.

And by “rush BBQ” I mean I spent fourteen dollars on meat and $500 on liquor for underage high school kids. Also I think I got a hand job from a 17-year-old that night and you better believe that I’m gonna make the fraternity tab pick up any legal fees that I might incur from the potential charges. IT WAS IN THE LINE OF DUTY DAMMIT!

Judy: Five hundred and fourteen dollars? Big party, I mean barbeque, huh?

God bless your heart Judy. You know damn well that I’m full of shit and you absolutely don’t care.

Rush Chair: Big appetites.

Raging alcoholics.

Judy: (*laughs*) Oh I bet. Anything else?

Rush Chair: Yeah a couple receipts for gas. I’ve been shooting across the state all week.

Doing rush work soberly suuuuuuuuuuuucks.

Judy: Okay let’s have ‘em.

(*hands over receipts*)

Rush Chair: That’ll do it.

Judy: Great! How many you got signed so far?

Rush Chair: Twenty.

Judy: Good for you! (*cuts a check*) Here ya go.

Sweet, sweet reimbursement.

Rush Chair: Thanks Judy.

Judy: Have a good day. Don’t forget to take a piece of candy!

You rock.

(*Takes a handful of candy*)


RIP Judy Krause, the unofficial accountant of Mizzou Greek Life as well as a Mizzou and Tri-Delt alumnus.

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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