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Inside an Internal Hazing Inquiry

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President: Okay guys, we all know why we’re here today. There have been some incredibly serious hazing allegations brought against our fraternity by the university. What myself, our alumni advisor, and the rest of exec board want to do today is figure out exactly what happened on the night in question so that we can determine how to proceed and potentially plan a defense when this case is brought before the university.

Alumni Advisor: Right. And that’s why we brought you two gentlemen here today. As you know you are the alleged ringleaders of the hazing incident. We want to be fair and hear your side of the story.

Hazer 1: Yes, thank you and greetings esteemed alumni, executive board, and Mr. President.

Hazer 2: It is a pleasure to be here with you this afternoon, although may we say that the circumstances are regrettable.

President: Guys, it’s just us down here, you don’t have to be so formal. Just tell us what happened.

Hazer 1: Yes sir Mr. President.

President: C’mon. Just call me Nick.

Hazer 1: Yes sir Mr. Nick.

President: (*sighs*) Why don’t you start from the beginning.

Hazer 1: Well we had been drinking since like 2:00pm because we got out of class and it was sunny.

Hazer 2: We were pretty shitfaced.

President: Well naturally.

Treasurer: But of course.

Alumni Advisor: We sort of figured.

President: What happened next?

Hazer 1: We came across some pledges who were being generally offensive.

Alumni Advisor: I’m sorry, could you be more specific? How so?

Hazer 2: Well they all had stupid faces.

Sergeant at Arms: If I can interject, the pledges have had a real problem with how stupid their faces are.

President: That’s true, I hate their faces. Go on.

Hazer 1: They were also saying and doing stupid shit.

Alumni Advisor: What sort of shit?

Hazer 1: I don’t know… dumbass pledge shit.

Alumni Advisor: Fair enough. Go on.

Hazer 2: So anyway, all the stupid shit they were doing…

Hazer 1: And their stupid faces.

Hazer 2: Right, and their stupid faces. All that stuff really pissed us off, so we decided to make them do some bows and toes.

Alumni Advisor: Okay. You guys know that even that is against our national hazing policies, right?

Hazer 1: Yes sir. But those faces, they were just so…

Alumni Advisor: (*interrupting*) Enough about the stupid faces. What happened next?

Hazer 2: Well we were pretty drunk.

Hazer 1: At one point we were honestly just drinking a bottle of Everclear that we had poured some SweetN’ Low into.

(*Alumni Advisor gags at the thought*)

Hazer 2: It was all we had and we were too lazy to go to the store.

Hazer 1: We called it Hobo Nectar.

Alumni Advisor: I don’t care. Where is this going?

Hazer 1: So we were standing there making the pledges do bows and toes when I started to feel sick. I had nothing in my stomach but hobo nectar and some Chipotle, needless to say things were starting to get uneasy.

Hazer 2: You knew we were gonna be day drinking bro. I told you not to order the barbacoa.

Hazer 1: But barbacoa’s the best one.

Hazer 2: It gives you ‘rhea on the reg though.

President: Guys.

Hazer 1: Basically what happened next is that I puked in the hall.

Hazer 2: Right next to Pledge Taint.

Hazer 1: The puke was heinous. I don’t know what the hell was going on in my stomach but I thank God that the beast brewing within me wasn’t able to continue fermenting. Pretty sure it would’ve been flammable.

Hazer 2: Yeah it was vile. Taint became overwhelmed by the smell and started vomming everywhere.

Hazer 1: God bless him though, he somehow managed to stay in the bows and toes position.

Hazer 2: That’s gotta be a killer ab workout.

Alumni Advisor: What’s his real name?

Hazer 1: Who, Taint? I, uh… I don’t know.

Hazer 2: It’s not Steve Taint, is it?

President: No, it’s not. Taint isn’t anywhere in his name.

Hazer 2: Oh. Coulda sworn…

President: His name is Bryan Adams. It’s in the report. Why don’t you guys fast forward to how a children’s pool full of human waste got involved.

Hazer 1: Basically watching Taint throw up was pretty much the funniest thing I had ever seen. He was all puking and crying and stuff. Taint’s puke started a chain reaction. Everyone in the bows and toes line started puking.

Hazer 2: Hilarious.

Alumni Advisor: So none of you forced the pledges to vomit?

Hazer 1: Well, uh… we’ll get to that. The hallway was a river of puke. It literally made a girl who saw it cry.

Hazer 2: So then we told the pledges to clean it up. Only problem was someone had thrown the mop bucket out a second floor window last week.

Hazer 1: And someone else had used all the house mops as torches.

President: I think we all remember that incident.

Alumni Advisor: (*scowling*) I don’t.

President: Let’s just stick to the topic at hand.

Alumni Advisor: (*mumbling) Goddamnit.

Hazer 1: Right, so without mops or a mop bucket we couldn’t really sop up the puke. We did however have several push brooms and a kiddie pool that we used as a beer trough at our beach party. So some of the pledges grabbed some brooms while a couple others held the kiddie pool just under the top step of the nearest set of stairs and they pushed the puke into the pool.

Alumni Advisor: Dear God.

House Manager: I’m actually impressed by the ingenuity of it all.

Hazer 1: Thank you.

President: Shut up. Both of you. Finish the story.

Hazer 2: Well basically the pledges got a little too vigorous with their cleaning…

Hazer 1: Oh but first, I peed in the puke pool.

Alumni Advisor: What? Why?

Hazer 1: I had to pee and the bathroom was on the other side of the house. Don’t worry though, I told the pledges not to look at my dick while I was doing it, so we’re good.

Alumni Advisor: Good from what?

Hazer 1:

Hazer 2: After he peed was when the pledges fucked up. They started pushing the puke piles too hard with the push brooms and some of it splashed into the faces of the pledges who were holding the kiddie pool.

Hazer 1: And then they started puking again.

Hazer 2: And they fell backwards down the stairs with the pool full of puke…

Hazer 1: And my pee…

Hazer 2: And his pee, and they landed at the bottom of the stairs, somehow in the pool full of puke and pee.

Alumni Advisor: But you never made them get in the pool?

Hazer 1: Well…

Hazer 2: We were pretty pissed at that point. I mean, they fucked up pretty bad.

Alumni Advisor: Oh God.

Hazer 1: So yeah, we made them get in the pool.

Hazer 2: But it was to teach them a lesson.

Alumni Advisor: Really? What lesson was that?

Hazer 1: To not suck so bad… at life.

Alumni Advisor: What an enlightening lesson. What about these other allegations? That you made them wrestle in the waste. Is that true?

Hazer 2: That is regrettably true. It seemed so right at the time.

Alumni Advisor: Now it says here that there was also semen in the pool. Is this true?

Hazer 1: Absolutely not, I never ejaculated into that swimming pool. That’s completely disgusting and degrading.

Hazer 2: I did however throw my jizz rag into the pool. So I suppose that the moisture from the other fluids could have turned the crust from the jizz rag into some sort of spermy paste, but at that point it was really just a drop in the bucket.

Alumni Advisor: What THE FUCK is wrong with you two? (*Turns to the president*) Where were you during all of this?

President: I was eating dinner… for about an hour.

Alumni Advisor: This all happened in an hour!?! Good God! Does this happen every time you leave the house?

President: Yeah, more or less.

Alumni Advisor: Well where the hell was the rest of the exec board?

Vice President: Watching TV.

House Manager: Patching drywall on the other side of the house.

Sergeant at Arms: Is having sex an acceptable answer?

Alumni Advisor: Not really.

Sergeant at Arms: Oh… well I was having sex.

Treasurer: Leave me out of this, I just handle the money. (*To the hazers*) Oh and you two, pay your damn house bills before you get expelled.

Alumni Advisor: I think I’ve heard enough here to know that you all are pretty fucked. (*To the hazers*) Is there anything else you two want to say?

Hazer 1: I’m not proud of this but at one point I slapped on some cleaning gloves and started throwing tampons out of the women’s wastebasket during the wrestling match.

(*Everyone starts vomiting*)

(*Pledge Taint walks in*)

Pledge Taint: Hey guys it’s 2:00pm did you want to talk to me yet…

(*Sees everyone vomiting profusely*)

Pledge Taint: Oh God no! SWEET JESUS NOT AGAIN!

(*Runs away crying*)

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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